Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Part 1

I admit that every so now and then, I still think about you. I think about you usually because of something horrible that I suddenly remember. Like blogging for an instance - I used to blog because I wanted a relief from all the shit on my head. I am fine with writing, I enjoy it enough to be able to blog. But writing was not the primary reason for me to blog, just like you were never a reason for me to blog. My primary reason was that I needed an outlet to release all the shit on my head, and quite unfortunately, a major proportion of those shit was thoughts of you.

I admit that it was my fault. I did contribute to my miserable life. I stayed with you even when my instinct was to run in the other direction. I enjoyed your company while it lasted. There was some good moments. There was also some bad moments. When the proportion of those two things started tipping against me, that was when I knew that I had no choice but to leave.

For someone who made four times of what I made during those years, you were certainly very stingy. There, I said it out loud. I remember quite vividly the moment that you said you wanted me to pay for dinner because you had just gone over your finances and you did not like what you saw. I said, just send me the amount for half the bill and I would pay you. You said that would not be necessary, just pay for the next time we go out - which I did. To be quite honest, I don't see why I should foot all the bill when all I had was a beverage (mostly coffee). Moreover, most of the time, you were the one who wanted to go out, you picked the restaurant and you consumed most of what were ordered. Plus, you were a male. Shoot me from coming from a culture where males foot the bill.

In retrospect, I did not realise how much of a massive deal money was to you. I grew up in abundance thanks to my father's generosity. I always have more than enough. I enjoyed (and still enjoy) a good life whereby I can get everything I need (and to a certain extent, want). From your stories, you did not share the same upbringing. I remember you telling me a story about your mother going shopping and returning home with no toys and you got angry with her. You have always been smart - I give you that. I am pretty sure you must have been aware of your family circumstances. I don't quite know how to say this the right way (if there is ever one) - but I knew what it was like when we had very little money. Dad told us outright that we had to slim down our budgets. He was kind enough to still give me enough allowance. I saved every single penny so that I could afford to go to the prom with a new dress, shoes, etc - and paid for two tickets. I got a job on friday nights so that I could have extra money to go to the prom. I knew what it felt like. I occurred to me if that was going to be permanent, so I made an effort to save and to work more hours. I never took anything for granted.

I also grew up with a lot of friends who were males and automatically footed all the bills. There was never a fight for the bill because they said such thing embarrassed them. So I learnt to say thank you for their generosity. They regarded their gesture as a given because that was what males were supposed to do. We grew up this way. The way my brother put it - you girls don't eat much anyway, so it is natural for boys to pay.

I later learnt that you were seeing a lot of girls behind my back and you paid for your "dates" with them. So much about fidelity, so much about paying for girls. So much about wanting females to foot their share of the bill.

It is no secret that my friends did not (and still do not) understand why I was with you. They thought (and still think) that you were a gold digger - which I countered by saying that I did not have a lot of money, so that couldn't be true. I give kudos to my friends for being friends, despite not wanting to socialise with you, they still support me when I eventually break up with you.

The really good friends told me quite bluntly to leave you. They said that there was something that was weighing me down and they thought that thing was you. While I agreed, it took me a while to take action. Thankfully, they had enough patience in them to put up with my indecisiveness. They were wonderful and I was grateful.

Your friends, with whom I socialise with, were on your side when we broke up. Heck, they were even on your side even before we break up. I didn't blame them (and still don't). That was what friends were supposed to do. I would do the same thing for my friends in a heartbeat. What I would not do, is stroke their egos. I would sit down with them and reflect, if they want to, and we would acknowledge privately that there were a lot of things we could have done differently. I would not say that they did not do anything wrong, because they must have contributed to the problem even when they did not realise it. They would not like listening to that, but these things are necessary for personal growth. I have friends in my life with whom I can do this with, and I am grateful for them. I am grateful for those who really have my best interest at heart, and still stand by me even when I was angry with them because I do not like what they said. The latter makes a whole lot of difference because then I know who my friends are. I don't have that many friends these days, but the ones I call friends are certainly are my friends, in the true sense of the world. I guess I have lifted my standards on what friends are these days; I go for quality over quantity any day.

I realise that this definition is a bit too deep for most people's liking. I realise that it is too deep for your liking. I am not sure that I can spend the rest of my life with someone who cannot even respect that I have a different view when it comes to these sort of things in life.

You talked a lot. You always dominated conversations and you always wanted to be the centre of attention, even when other people listened to you out of politeness. Whenever I was with you, I learnt what not to do in a social setting. Because I often cringed when I listened to you. Sometimes being associated with you is like social suicide, it embarrassed me to no end. So I tried not to socialise with you in the same circle if I could help it. And I did so in professional settings where I had to do this thing called networking.

You told me that you felt left out so you tried to assert yourself into the circles that I introduced myself to. When I was invited to dinners, you wanted to be invited as well - and you said you would have gladly paid for yourself, and you accused me for not caring about you because as you said, "you knew I wanted these things too". Well, just to clarify again, being a guest, I was not sure that I was in a position to invite you along. In fact, I knew that I was not in a position to invite you along - that was the decision of the host, who were people that I met for the first time in my life at that point in time. And besides, it was for my professional development and we were on different fields. For once, it was nice to have people who were interested in me and with whom I could have discussed things with. For once, it was nice for me to just hold my own ground, and enjoy some sort of discussion about things that are directly relevant to my field that I would otherwise not have been aware of. For once, it was nice to just have those hours for me - and not share it with you. Until this day, you have never apologised for your behaviour - and I don't quite expect you too because you just felt so entitled to the opportunities that I had.

I cringe whenever I think about this one because in retrospect, I should have run as soon as this happened. For someone who was claiming to be my significant other, you sure were not supportive at all. You did not listen to me and you much prefer to listen to what other people said, and do what they thought you should do. When you did that, you got angry because I did not appreciate them. Why would I appreciate something that I had specifically asked you not to do? Your actions became a nuisance and you became a nuisance at the same time, especially when I had to deal with your feelings instead.

You were angry for the longest time because there were things I could not talk to you about. It was not I did not want to talk to you about it, it was more I was forbidden from talking to you about it by the court of law. I took these things seriously, so yeah, shoot me for being a law-abiding resident. You said some of the nastiest things that you've said during those times and I had to ignore you deliberately because of that. And then you wondered why I ignored you.

In retrospect, I should not have supported you at all - but there were bits in me that were still in favour of humanity, so I caved in. I can't quite say that I regretted taking this path because I will never know what I would feel if I had chosen the opposite path. But death in the family was (and forever will be) a major event in anyone's life, so I tried to be supportive. It backfired in the end. No regrets from me - it was just one of the possible consequences which eventuated to reality, and I just had to deal with it. Part of exercising humanity.

Ok, this topic is becoming emotionally very tiring so I am going to stop here. There might be a Part 2 if I think about this again.

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