Friday, November 8, 2013

best friend

i miss my best friend.

or perhaps i should have said, my ex best friend.

these days i don't have a best friend. i am fortunate to have good friends, and i am thankful for these people every single day. but i have given up on this whole best friend thing.

the word best, when used prior to the word friend, is meant to denote a certain kind of special-ness. this person used to be special for me. this person i used to love and this person who used to make me feel loved (despite actually loving me or not). and this person is no more.

no, she didn't die. we just ceased being best friends. not sure if we are still friends.

i am mourning this friendship, or its lack thereof right now.

one of the hardest things is that during one of our last moments together, she somewhat predicted that this was going to happen because she knew who i am. i hate that she turned out to be correct and i hate that i could not be any different. i hate that i loved her and i hate that i was honest with her. in short, i hated myself when i was with her.

in contrast, she used to be the person i went to when i wanted to feel good about life and mankind and everything else. she had the ability to assure me in a way that made me realise that being human can never be something that we apologise for. imperfections make us part of who we are. they are ok, especially if we take active steps to work on them.

when there were so many shit that happened in my life that basically destroyed my faith in humanity, she was present as a rock that helped restored it.

i hate that it was quite possibly me who destroyed her faith in humanity.

i am sorry.

i do not know how to fix this.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

on my parents' divorce

anonymous blogging has its perks. one of these perks is the ability to talk about things that i would otherwise not write with my name written all over it.

my parents are divorced. they've been separated like more than a decade ago and somehow manage to successfully not to talk to each other. my dad is pretty honest about this fact and i give him credit for this honesty. my mum, on the other hand, manages to maintain the damsel in distress persona all through the years, starting from the separation and until this day claims that she is still waiting for him to return.

except that he is not returning.

i used to feel sorry for my mum until one day, i just stopped. i have always known that she wanted me to feel sorry for her, she wants everyone to feel sorry for her. her whole life is centred towards getting everyone to feel sorry for her. so much so that i am pretty much sick of it. what kind of life is that? besides, she's got my sister who is more than happy to indulge her in feeling sorry for herself.

i spend a lot of time in my life trying not to get angry at my parents' divorce. and then i realised that i am actually not angry about their divorce. i am just pissed off at how my mother handles her life post divorce. it's like she forgets to live. or maybe she doesn't know how to in the first place, which is why they divorced. it is kind of like i am not so pissed off when someone makes a genuine mistake, given that he/she fixes the mistakes immediately after discovering the said mistake. (fixing a mistake = owning up to it, apologising and making things better.)

being a child of divorce sucks, okay. it is not so much about having to divide the time between two parents. it sucks mainly because my mother made my life hell by making me feel guilty every time i spend time with my father. my own father, thank you very much. she would do anything to make his life difficult and making my life difficult in the process.

after about 30 years of living, i realise that my mum never listened to me. she only wants to be listened to. and she wants me to give her a lot of things, even when all that she said is, well, she doesn't want anything. and then she complained about something, and said something along the lines of nobody wanted to help her. while looking at me straight in the eye.

the divorce doesn't sadden me. it is my mum's actions post divorce that breaks my heart.

the saddest thing of all, she doesn't even know it.