Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A glimpse of the past

Growing up I was always in a rush to grow up. Instead of simply enjoying school, I was in a rush to get out. Instead of just enjoying next to nothing responsibilities, I craved for more, so that I could get out of my mum's place. I was imagining what life would be like when I could finally live on my own. I imagined, quite vividly, how I would pack everything that was in my bedroom. I even went as far as checking one bedroom apartments around the area, and ironically, bumping to people I knew from church. I was so desperate to get away, I was consumed with discomfort. I hated being home because I could never enjoy let alone rest at home. I had a lot of acquaintances because I was hardly home. I became intimate with my books because they were my only companions when no one else was around. I escaped the harsh realities of life through writing and what existed then was numerous diaries that are now collecting dust, but I hardly ever read again.

But I remember writing and I remember writing about the things that I mostly could not make peace with. (Nowadays I just ignore them.) I did not know how to handle things like that previously and subsequently I was so angry at everything imaginable. Instead of planning and focusing on my future and my life - and that it could be fantastic if I worked hard enough - I was busy running away from the present reality. In fact, now that I think about it, it somewhat rather amazing that I stuck to studying and getting a degree. Perhaps because there was hardly anything else to do. I know that the reason I did it had nothing to do with the future, or my future, or what I want my life to look like in the future. I just did it because I was too lazy to think of anything else to do.

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