Saturday, February 11, 2012

A bit of history

I was sharing my thoughts on relationships with a dear friend yesterday. My yet-to-be-proven theory is that most people in this life would have to experience a terrible relationship with a horrible person so that they can appreciate the one person who is truly kind and genuinely loving, with clear intentions of spending their lives together. This is, of course, speaking from personal experience. In all likelihood, the men that I used to be with would probably speak of our then-relationships as something nightmare-ish, and I don't mind that; they see things from their eyes and it is up to them to see what they want to see. Kind of similar to me seeing what I want to see and what I want to perceive from each relationship.

I also reflected on how some damage linger more than others - and this is speaking from personal experience. I used to blog in another blog. Then something really bad happened to my then-quasi-relationship (or whatever) and this "ex" started attacking my facebook, my sms, my email and my blog. With facebook, I deleted him - and I would recommend this for everyone who would like to get over their relationships: don't bother staying friends. With email, I set up a filter - again, highly recommended. With sms, I changed my number. In retrospect, I should just set a block to the number, which I have done with my current number. With blog, I shut it down.

And I did not blog for the longest time. Then I thought it is just so silly of me to be basing my life on his unpredictable attacks. Just to give you an idea, this is the person who once said to me that he wanted to throw acid on my face so that I would live life with an ugly face. He is also the person who said that he wanted to hit me with his car so that I spend the rest of my life as a cripple. I really should have gone to the police and obtained a restraining order. Then he started emailing my boss, basically telling him how (the ex) knew my employment history and that I was someone who could never hold down a job. In addition, he also posted pictures of my on his flicker and calling me all sorts of names imaginable on this planet. To this date, I am not sure how his friends manage to stay friends with him, and yes, I do have an opinion on this, but no, I am not going to write it down right now.

A while back, I rocked up to The Boys performance at Griffin Theatre. (Read some review here and here.) It was an incredibly powerful performance and afterwards, I was left emotionally drained and extremely sad. I was sad that there are people in our society whose lives are exactly as it was presented on stage. I know this because as soon as we walked out of the theatre (which is located in the precinct of Kings Cross), there were two people who sounded exactly like the actors in the play, except that they were not the actors themselves. I was sad that there are people who did not know any better, these people are so bitter by life and they were ready to blame everything on everyone else. They do not possess the capacity to rise up and make something better of themselves. These people remind me of a few of my exes.

Ok, so I had dated quite a fair share of bad boys in my life - even my male friends told me this. I was guilty of trying to change the people that I dated. I was guilty of over-compensating, I was guilty of not setting a higher standard for myself. I even allowed some of them to dictate my choices in life and what I wore! Oh the horror! I made those mistakes during my experimentation years - and some of those mistakes left scars that I still bear till this day. They serve as painful reminders of the things I thought I did in the name of love.

I had quite a twisted definition of what love was, and in retrospect, I think that was part of the problem. Being a child of divorce sort of does that to anyone, really. Once I dated this guy because I loved his family. Yes, oh the horror. I was with every single one of them for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to make it work for all the wrong reasons.

If I can do it all over again, I would put more effort in working out what I, as an individual, want. I would focus on me from the beginning and structure my life that way. And I would not shut down the blog. But instead of reviving the old blog, I have started this one. I'd like to think that my writing is a lot better than what it was before, and I hope that I get better each day.

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