Sunday, November 27, 2011


I was reading this post on acceptance. A lot of things resonated with me.

"People typically know what they want. We come across indecisive because we can’t have what we want and the choices we can have we don’t like. (My definition of boredom.) This isn’t always true – often in major decisions we really have no idea because the scope is too large. We can’t project outcomes accurately and that inability makes it harder to choose."

I can be indecisive at times. Most of the time I am pretty decisive, and I like myself that way. There are little things that I can be decisive about, and there are bigger things that take a while to figure out. This is where research comes in. One of the good things about college is that it honed my research skills - pre-college, I used to dislike it, now I am comfortable with it and use it like it is meant to be used.

Remember how I mentioned that I was not going to write about history? Well, apparently my brain sorts of disagree because it keeps reminiscing about this particular point in time. And for the love of rum and raisin, I just have to write something so that I can not think about this any more.

Truth is this: I did not like myself when I was with you. I did not like the person that I have become. I was not happy. There were happy moments and I am thankful for that. Yet deep down, I was not happy. This was why I was shopping so much. To fill this empty void. This void is still present in my life today, but it is a lot smaller than what it used to be. Or maybe, I just notice it less. Either way, my life without you is so much better than my life with you. This is not a reflection of you, it is a reflection of me. I just don't like being with you because being with you brought the worst in me.

Where I went wrong, amongst many things, was that I stayed for far too long being indecisive. In retrospect, I can understand why so many of my friends asked me to make a decision - either to stay permanently or to go permanently. Temporarily was not an option. This was difficult to me because I saw a lot of things in life as temporary (still do, actually). I was not in a position to make a commitment of a permanent nature - so that left one course of action, which I took.

I do not wish to speculate about what other factors contributed to that decision - and I quite frankly do not care. I do not care whether it was your fault or whether it was my fault - in all likelihood, we both must have somehow contributed to the outcome, even when we did not feel so. I prefer to be an adult and be responsible for my actions, especially when it comes to things that are within my control - so these are the things that I focus on.

Starting over yet again was hard - it just gets harder each time. Even when you've done it before and you sort of know what is involved, it remains at least just as hard. This pain is real - and as with other real things in life, you can't escape it, no matter what it is you do. All you can do is manage it. There are things that you can do to alleviate it temporarily, but its presence is the real thing that you must deal with at the end of the day - right at that moment before you fall asleep. When you are able to survive the day and fall asleep with it, that is when you know that you are in the right path towards recovery.

Right now, I am in this path without you and I prefer to keep it this way. I do not wish to be friends with you, or to be acquaintances even. I do not wish to hear from you and I do not want to know how you are coping, or what is happening in your life, or anything else. I do not wish to discuss you with anyone else and I do not wish to tell anyone my opinions of you for I have seen things that they have not seen and probably would never see ever. I do not wish to talk about you either - although at some point I am bound to talk about you and what happened. I am done talking, for now.

From this experience - I have a scar. The wound healed and the scar took its place. All scars fade with time. While it is there, it serves as a reminder of the bad consequences of being indecisive.

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