Saturday, August 18, 2012

What we were

My mind reverted to the days we used to spend together. Or specifically, the weekends.

Weekends have always been, for me, my sanctuary. I get to spend it with whoever I want to and whatever I want to, with the rare exceptions of doing the things that I don't like doing (i.e. those things I do somewhat out of obligation).

Back in those days, I am pretty sure I wanted to spend it with you. We used to hang out at a random cafe, drank too much coffee, ate too much greasy food and all the hu-ha. Some days, we talked about the thesis. Most of the time, we didn't. We just... chilled.

Right now, I am regretting spending those days with you. I reckon this is partially because right now I am feeling tremendous hatred towards you. This feeling will soon be replaced with indifference and all would resume as per normal. However for now, I am going to dwell on this temporary lapse of indifference and cite all the reasons as to why I hate you.

I hate that you lie to me. I hate everyone who lies to me, and you are no exception. I found out far too late that you lied to me, but I guess it is better late than never.

I hate that you were (and still are) so argumentative. Seriously. I work in an office full of people who have to argue for a living and even these people are not argumentative in their quasi-professional life (i.e. down time at work). Some people are just argumentative by nature and I dislike these people very much. You, I hate, because you were argumentative and you said you were not. You were the worst of them all. Still are.

I hate that you were so controlling. I did not realise this at the time, but right now I do. I couldn't be bothered to argue (see previous point), so I rolled along with it. Now I realise how miserable I really was and I cooked up all these I-should-have moments in my head. I should have spoken up for myself and just said, no, thank you, I don't want to do that. End of story.

I hate that we argued about money. I hate that you made me feel guilty for the fact that I come from a relatively-well-to-do family. This is not my fault, it is my blessing. It is not my problem that you could not come to terms with this. While my family might have been blessed materially, I did not have unlimited spending. In fact, I had to work for a living and given that I was studying at the same time, that simply meant, I hardly had the spare cash to burn on excessive eating out and the like.

The weird thing is this - I had lots of guys who wanted to hang out with me and these guys always paid when we do. You were the only exception to this - because you refused to do this. It is fine, really, had you not insisted that you were my boyfriend. Get this: my boyfriends (now mostly ex) paid for our dates/non-dates/basically-everything. I don't date stingy guys.

I mean, seriously, guys, if you are ever in a relationship, please do yourselves a favour and make the decision to be remembered as the loving, generous boyfriend, instead of the abusive, stingy boyfriend.

Most of all, I hate myself for spending so much time with you. What a wasted effort. We couldn't be lovers and we couldn't be friends.

What were we?

Strangers in passing.

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