I am drunk. I had too many glasses at wine and boy oh boy, life feels so good.
I swear I don't do this very often - and by "this" I mean writing while I am drunk. I got drunk on a pretty regular basis, I just don't write when that happens you see. Why? Because I am always too busy doing something else with someone else.
BUT as it turns out today, I got drunk and I am now all by myself and I get to sit down and write all of these things, which I am going to write only because I am drunk.
So. The explanation of my previous entry.
The person who wrote to me as having forgiven me was my ex. Ex boyfriend, ex friend, whatever, I don't give a shit about the label any more. He claimed to have loved me, yadidadida bla bla bla, all the hu-ha. Then he claimed that I broke his heart and all the hu-ha.
I am going to say it here: to the extent that I was responsible for the whole thing, yes, I was to blame and I was at fault. HOWEVER. I am not the only person at fault here.
It takes two to tango baby. Don't you remember that? Or has tango always been an activity that you do on your own all this time long that you actually forget that it needs to be done with a partner? As much as you'd like to blame your heart break on me, sweet heart, remember this: you are the one who fell in love with me. I did not ask you to do that. I certainly did not actively encourage that.
If I write the next few lines, I am pretty sure that a lot of people are going to write to me and tell me that I am arrogant. Then so be it. So here goes. There are a lot of people who are in love with me, and they fall into a few categories. ONE: they just don't tell me that. TWO: they tell me that they do and they list all the reasons why they do and we got to know each other and we become close friends. THREE: they tell me that they do and they want to have a romantic relationship with me and they expect me to feel the same way with them.
As y'all have figured out by now, I am not single. I have a boyfriend who loves me with all his heart and whom I love with all my heart. This does not mean that I do not love anyone else, this just means I am not available for romantic relationship stuff. This does mean that people that fall into the third category are basically dead to me. We have no further business to discuss and I do not wish to know you.
Why? Because I do not want to have a romantic relationship with more than one person. I do not want to have a romantic love with more than one person. This is very important to me because I would like to respect the boundaries of this relationship that I willingly enter in and I'd like to make sure that I have given it all the efforts that it deserves to succeed. I refuse to waste my time on things that I deem as unnecessary in my life. So if you are not this guy - tough luck.
Now, my ex used to be some one who belonged to the second category before for one reason or another he moved to the third category. It is fine for people to move between categories, insofar as they explain the reasons for the move. In this case, as you might have guessed, he did not explain the reason. In fact, it was quite a surprise to me to learn that he has joined the third category. That was when hell begun.
They say that people are often most honest when they are drunk. Well, I am drunk, so read at your own risk.
I did not love you, I have never loved you and I do not love you the way that you wanted to be loved. Our breakup was imminent because our relationship was never a meant-to-be to begin with. I know that this is a lot to swallow, but it is what it is.
Whatever love that I used to feel for you, I do not feel for you any more as a result of the things that you did post our break-up. Remember that time you called me a whore? Remember that time one of your friends said that I was only with you to further my career. Well guess what - I got to where I am today without your help. If anything, all that you did ever since was just to make sure that I could not obtain a stable job. Most reasonable people in this planet could see through you and your desperation. Your obsession was not flattering, it was annoying. The fact that you think you were flattering is just... well, desperate at best.
So you could still access my profile through the messages that we used to send - like I care. I am happy now. I am happy with someone else, who gives me love like I want it and more importantly love me especially when I am at my worst - when I am insecure and irresponsible, lazy and whiny. He loves me through all of that. Does that break your heart to know that I am happy with someone else? Good. Let your heart be broken for the remainder of your life.
You know, I used to consider you as one of my friends. I don't have that many people that I actually call my friends, so this is a pretty big deal to me. It turns out I am wrong - I was wrong. I subsequently find out that you were never my friend to begin with.
My theory in life is that we, as human beings, are only nice to other people when it is convenient for us, when it is easy for us, when it takes no effort on our part. This is because we are all selfish - it is a modern time survival instinct. I admit that I fall into this category a lot of the time. A lot of things in life that takes me very little effort often mean so much to other people because they either lack the understanding or the skill or the time or all of the above.
I don't want to know whether you did in fact love me or not - that knowledge is irrelevant to me now. I know that you were nice to me because it was convenient to you and because you expected a much bigger reward, which you did not get and you became bitter as a consequence of the fact.
Yes, sweetheart, I may be a whole 18 years younger than you, but I am not that dumb. I could see through you. Yes, you may tell yourself that you were sincere. Lie to yourself all you want, because action speaks louder than words.
The litmus test of whether an ex did love me or not (or actually, a decent human being or not) is his conduct post-break up. I have not had a single ex who proved himself to be a decent human being, quite unfortunately, so I am happy that all of those relationships did not work out. Imagine spending the rest of your life with a non-decent human being. My head hurts just thinking about that.
So, all of your harassment towards my boyfriend, my family and myself will all come back to haunt you. Karma can be a bitch, so remember that.
Of course I don't forgive you. Trust me; you are not the only person who remembers.