Monday, August 13, 2012

The many sides of people

Some years back. 

My ex crucified me for allegedly having multiple sides of personality. 

He said that I was a liar, not honest with who I really am, and present different sides to different people. I thought long and hard about this.

Just like any other human being, I am complex. We can all say that we are simple, but really, deep down, we are complex. We are complex because there are multiple sides in each and everyone of us that often different people get to witness. 

For example. For the longest time, I cannot comprehend how someone who is so able professionally and intellectually can be such a retard when it comes to personal/romantic relationships. I can understand if someone is a general fuck-up in all areas of his/her life, but if you are so capable in one, how can you not at least be somewhat competent in other areas? 

Answer: because they are like that. Just because they are good in one area does not automatically mean they are good in others. Just because they've got one bit worked out does not mean they can get everything sorted. No one is perfect. We all have weaknesses. 

So. I am complex. I might be really good at one thing, and completely hopeless at others. In the areas that I am completely hopeless, I learn, I take up new skills. Like driving. I would not say that I am a fantastic driver yet, but I am getting there. I practise so that I can perfect this skill, or at least attain something close to perfection. 

Given that I am complex and there is only limited time in the world, it is natural that I only get to show the bits of me that is relevant to the issue at hand. This is why, my boss and my colleagues get to see the office side of me, the professional side that is. My friends, who have never worked with me, have never seen this side. Some even told me that they have difficulties imagining what I am like at the office. Back in PhD days, there were people that I come across in life who have never studied with me or watch me study. They have difficulties imagining me doing a dissertation. They do not understand how I am able to stay still in front of the computer, reading and writing and doing number crunching. 

My family gets to see the family-side of me. I don't show this side unless I am with them. My sister asked if I am as talkative in the office as I am at home. Of course not. In the office, I present a professional side. I am still very much me, just a much toned-down version. I consciously do this of course, not so much to fit in, but more out of respect for everyone else. My family gets the best of me most of the time, because I can just most of the things that I want without having to unnecessarily restrain myself out of fear of unintentionally offending someone. My family gets offended very easily - it is the Asian in them that tends to get out in the most unexpected moments. I am still learning. 

For anyone to be able to confidently say that they know me is complete bullshit. It is not possible unless you've spent 24/7 with me for at least 4 years. I have been with my (current) boyfriend for 4 years and counting now and even he says that he does not know all of me. This is an honest statement. It is not necessary for us to know each other thoroughly and completely. I prefer to keep a bit of mystery. Plus it keeps us away from assuming things. 

Coming back to the alleged multiple personality crucifixion by the ex. It is totally uncalled for. It is a reflection of his insecurities of his inability to control me. He wanted to predict every single thing that I do, and he wanted to be the one who knew me so well. When what he saw was not what he predicted, he got angry and accused me of having a multiple personality disorder. Charming. 

For the longest time, I wonder if the breakdown of our relationship was my fault. Partially, yes. It has nothing to do, however, with my alleged multiple personality disorder. It has everything to do with me and the fact that I did not want to be with him. 

When there is no will, there is no way. 

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