Saturday, March 10, 2012

I have forgotten you

Actually, that's not accurate. I still remember you. I recognise who you are. If I see you on the street, I would know that it is you. I can probably spot you from afar, or not, I don't pay a lot of attention to these things these days. My mind is preoccupied with lots of other things far more interesting than you. I guess when they say time does heal, what they really mean is that time makes you forget. The time that has been passing since we parted ways has made me slowly forget a lot of things about you.

I forget what sort of food you like. I almost wish that I wrote it down somewhere so that I can reminisce about it when I want to. I forget if you have a preference for a particular kind of wine. Maybe you don't, you seemed to drink anything alcoholic that came your way. I guess you were never fussy that way. Just like you ate anything that came your way. I forget the books you read, the movies you enjoyed, the tv shows that you were addicted to. Maybe I never paid attention in the first place to have enough mental space to allow me to remember.

I can still remember that you enjoyed your lattes and you like going to a cafe every weekend. But this is something that almost every Australian enjoys doing, so I am not sure if this is a trend that I just happen to remember that actually fits you quite so perfectly. I forget what sort of brunch you prefer - I am not sure that you have a preference, actually. As I said, you were never fussy that way.

I guess all that I seem to remember is that you were never a fussy individual. Always amicable, always agreeable. Always saying yes to anything and everything. I remember being invited to one of your 'friend's gathering and he did not open the bottles of wine that the guests brought. This stuck to my mind because I found that extremely odd and rude at the same time. I thought when you extend a dinner invitation, you would at least know the etiquette attached to it. I guess I was wrong. Or I just had a different standard all together. Because if it were me and my friends, the bottles of wine that the guests bring would be the ones cracked open and enjoyed. And when that run out, the host would supply more wine or take a quick trip down to the bottle shop and get more wine.

Throughout the time that we were supposedly together, I never felt as if I was your girlfriend. This was why I hated how you kept referring me as your girlfriend when you did not even treat me like one. I don't care how much gift you brought me - I hated those things, I hated wearing the dresses you brought, I never asked for any of them. I hated having to pretend that I liked them and that I was grateful for them. I much prefer selecting the dresses myself. Yes, this is partially my fault because I never quite told you openly that I prefer to select the dresses myself. Lately this is what I told people: don't give things that I don't ask for. Chance is that I will toss them. My sister tried giving me a pair of black shoes that I said no to before even seeing them. Yes, I am that ruthless. I can't help it - I prefer going shopping myself.

I don't know what you thought a boyfriend was, but this is what it has always been for me: someone who not only tells me that he loves me, but also shows me at every opportunity that he loves me. He is someone who understands that I appreciate his efforts a lot more when I have actually asked for the favour a priori. He understands that I have my own life and my own schedule and my own preferences and he does not try to permeate every single aspect of my life. He accepts that we need room to grow as individuals as much as we grow as a couple. So even when I don't always tell him that I love him, he knows that I do because he loves me that much.

What I remember of what is left is how you needed assurance constantly. It is like every single memory is tainted with how badly you wanted me to assure you of things that I was not even sure in the first place. There is no way in the world that I could have assured you that we were in a relationship if I did not even feel like I was your girlfriend. Yes, you said you loved me. Problem is that I did not feel that you loved me. If you thought this was my problem, then all I can say is this: this is precisely what the problem is. You said you love me, I don't feel it, you said that's my problem, I felt like your words were just that: words. I felt like you did not mean anything that you said. Thus, to me, you did not love me.

When it comes to this, we were both at fault, whether we'd like to admit it or not. But since it was all in the past, let's not discuss this anymore, shall we? Let's just move on and be happy. I know I am.

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