Thursday, January 12, 2012

I get insecure...

I take the day off today because I felt like having a short working week. I would like my weekend to start early, or so I told myself, but the truth is that I was just feeling tired and I need to just chill. I know that we just had the Christmas break, but truth be told, it was not like a break where I could just do nothing, because I felt obligated to do things. I hate using that description, but it is true. Sometimes, all I want to do is just to stay home and have a quiet celebration with myself and my close friends, which I could not have because I felt obligated to hang out with my family.

I think it is partly the result of being overseas with hardly any family for so long that I don't really factor my family into my life on a daily basis. So when it comes to birthdays and mostly Christmas and new year, then the obligatory feelings kicked in and guilt sets in if I don't see them. I know that I should really be treasuring my family whist I still have them, and I think I am going to miss them much if they are gone, but I am human after all and I am selfish because I know that in order for me to function properly in society, I need to be alone on a regular basis, so that I can re-charge. That is why I need a massive stretch of time (minimum of 2 hours) whereby I am alone, and I am not sleeping so that I can get in touch with myself.

I must say it feels good to take the day off like this. I don't even bother telling anyone apart from my best friend, who had kindly take the day off too, and we are going to practise driving - lots of it. I am hoping that I can conquer this fear once and for all, and besides I have been running away from it for so long that I am sick and tired of being crippled and not putting up a fight. I think a significant portion of this journey is going to be overcoming irrational, psychological hurdles that have been around for like 15 years now. I blame that one time whereby I nearly die because I was in that car with her.

But at some point we must let go and whilst I have tried letting go in the past (obviously unsuccessfully), I did not insist on it enough. In this case, it takes more effort to let go rather than to hang on. In fact, I think hanging on takes no effort at all - because this fear is like latching onto me (or maybe vice versa). Plus I wanted to have an excuse and to blame her for the things that went wrong in my life. Yet for someone is supposedly so fucked up, I have turned out quite ok (I think), so I try to just let go and work hard for the things that I do have right now. I feel better when I think about this and how far I have become, so I try really hard to replace the fears with the positive emotions. It is bloody hard work - because this is what living life is all about.

My fear of being contented in life is that I might turn out being complacent and happy with mediocrity. I spent my teenage life wanting to be different and just being different so it is disappointing that I am in my late twenties now and I am settling for this thing called mediocrity. The thought is so disturbing to me. The question in my head is - why do I feel the need to set myself apart all the time. If everyone is different, surely being oneself is sufficient to set oneself apart from the crowd. Is asserting my individuality that important to my sense of being. What ever happened to the person who just don't care about what other people think and just carry on living life the way she wants to. Where has she gone?

I spent a good part of being in college being clueless as to what I want in life - and being cluelessly aware of the fact that I was aware that I didn't know what I want in life. Then I spent a good chuck of time convincing myself that I was normal, that the most interesting people in this world still don't know the answer to that question when they hit 40 and beyond. Subsequently, I was lacking direction - in fact, the lack of direction in my life became a norm. I would say that even these days, I am still lacking directions because I still largely do not know what I want to do in life. I know that I want to be successful - but really, who doesn't want to be successful in life? And besides, how do you define success anyway.

The cure to all doubts and fears in life is to counter them with this thing called action - because it is louder than words and more powerful than anything else. And if you don't know how to act it out, then you should fake it till you make it. You live your life pretending that you are living the life that you imagine thus far, and you will eventually make it.

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