I survived the wedding, at least one friendship survive thus far, and let's hope the other one does too. It's complicated, and I don't want to go into details here. It turned out to be a pretty big wedding, so all my worries about being at the bottom of the list was pretty much eliminated due to size. That is, the amount of people on the bottom of the list is going to be very likely to be pretty big, so much easier to just blend with the crowd.
Sometimes though I do wonder if it is easier to give a gift that is actually useful, simply because I have witness some people's lack of discipline when it comes to easy money. I know that I have zero discipline when it comes to some unexpected money that comes my way, so this is to be expected of everyone else. I also know that I can exercise some discipline if I want to, especially if I have a big goal that I am currently working towards - like for example, saving enough for the down payment of a property, and later on, paying the mortgage as soon as I can.
Yes, I know that not everyone is like me, so I should just zip it right - especially when it comes to how other people spend their money and live their lives. I should comment less, basically, just because other people are different than me. To this, I agree wholeheartedly. I just hate it when people look at me and complain that I manage to buy an apartment, while doing everything else at the same time. It takes discipline. I complain about a lot of things too, as evidenced by most things in this blog, but for the most part, I try to make decisions that are beneficial for me in the long term.
Money is such a big deal, isn't it. If you contribute too little towards the pool for your coworker's farewell party, people are going to talk behind your back. If you don't contribute at all, they are going to talk about you too. Very few people would just come out and say, this is the level of contribution that is acceptable - because hello, this whole thing is meant to be voluntary right. Just like the wedding gift - it is meant to be voluntary, but in reality, the bride and groom, keep track of this information and then subsequently use that when it comes to gifting in future. In this case, it is so much easier to be the first one amongst your group of friends to get married. I am rolling my eyes as I write this simply because I still find this information difficult to believe till this date, but it is at the same time true based on my extremely limited personal experience. So I am somewhat rather horrified, but I am not sure what it is that horrifies me more - the fact that people use that info for future conducts, or the fact that people just can't get past the fact that it is meant to be voluntary, or both.
I still maintain that if you don't want to see that person at your event - be it wedding or birthday or whatever (what else do people celebrate these days? PhD graduations??) - then don't send the invite. Easy peasy. Don't send the invite out of obligation because there is this chance that the invitee will attend out of obligation. See how complicated it can get? All just because you were doing things in the name of politeness.
Anyway, on to bigger and brighter, and certainly more important things. I am all wedding-ed out for the rest of the year. I do hope that no one else is getting married this year. There is technically one other wedding that I should attend, but due to extremely complicated circumstances, I am going to skip that one, and just send my wishes. I will ask my Dad to attend if the invite ever arrives at home (highly doubt it). I hope this friendship will survive this one, but I am ok if it doesn't. Don't look at me that way, okay, I change, she changes, and we grow apart. I am just acknowledging that.
I was talking to Dad yesterday and it was something along these lines:
Dad (D): Do you know anyone who's a doctor?
D: Do you know anything about lymphoma?
Me (M): cancer?
D: Yep. Is it dangerous?
M: Depends on the type (note: I was furiously Google searching at the same time)
D: Its Type B
M: Who's got lymphoma?
I swear at the time I asked the question, I was actually contemplating not asking it at all because I was so fucking scared that it was him who's got the disease. Or mum, which is just as bad. Right at that moment in time, I was so scared of the idea of losing the two people that matter a lot in my life, one of which I argue with quite often, but I do love with all of my heart (it is just that my head clashes with his). I am pretty sure that I would feel slightly worse if it's mum because I hardly ever fight with her. I know it doesn't make sense, anyway.
D: Uncle Teddy. Do you remember him?
I was relieved beyond words. So much so that I nearly cried.
Of course I remember uncle Teddy. I remember him quite vividly and I felt (and still feel) a tinge of sadness. Why this is so is another story another time, because it is complicated and today it seems like I am writing about all of these complicated stuff that requires a lot of explanation individually and I have no energy to explain them like they should be explained.
I felt that I am taking my life, my health and most importantly, my parents for granted. I felt so incredibly shit when the realisation hits me: I am selfish, I do love myself a lot and I make choices that are designed to make my life better and easier - or at least, so I thought.
But what is better, and what is easier?
In life we have choices and our decisions often requires weighing the outcomes of a few choices that suit us the best at that moment in time. The danger happens when we focus a little bit too heavily on the "at that moment in time" bit. Because ideally, we make decisions that are better for us in the long run (see above about money stuff). But instead, what we thought are better for us in the long run requires so much short term sacrifice in terms of time lost that we will never be able to recover/make up.
Parents have this guilt all the time - because they somehow think that the best thing for their kids is to be by their side 24/7. I think there is a thing such as spending too much time together - this is probably because I need a lot of me-time. I think people need to grow individually and to do this they need space. Although I do admit that it is nice to have someone that you spend a lot of time with - like back in school, when we get to see our friends everyday, it is nice to go to school because of that.
I have not lived with my parents for the longest time, and sometimes I do miss living with them - as in actual living under one roof, not spending holidays together. I think this is because I have been living away from them since such a young age (try 12), so I never quite feel like being home with them; instead everything felt like one temporary arrangement after another.
I don't regret the way I turn out. But I do miss going home.