Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A cocktail of thoughts

So it has been quite a while since I last posted anything, and today I found out that blogger has a new interface. I can't say whether I like it or not because I try not to get to attached with things like this - they are bound to change all the time. It is like once I am comfortable with something, then the interface changes, or the design changes, or whatever changes happen. I guess this is the new era of ... err... entertainment?

This month has been great, lots of public holidays, there was the Easter long weekend, and today is the Anzac day. I spent days like this cocooning at home, mostly counting my blessings and staying warm. The not so good side is that it is so difficult to settle into a routine, but the time to rest and breathe in between is very much welcome by someone like me, who seems to be running out of time all the time.

I am not a big fan of the cold weather purely for the fact that I tend to feel lazy all the time. Plus every time the termperature dips, I always mistaken feeling cold with feeling hungry. This is something that I have to watch out for all the time because I want to maintain my figure. Trust me, it takes a lot of effort to look this good, but the irony is that it has to appear effortless. You can't appear as if you are trying hard, even when you are trying hard, because then the perception is that you are trying too hard. It is really shit, of course, but it is also the norm in this particular area in life. We get judged by how we look all the time, I know I judge people based on how they look. In part this is because I think those who look good are the fortunate ones because they have the time and the resources to look that good. And those who don't have as much time or resources and still manage to look that good - well, hats off. You are hands down the undisputed kings and queens of looking good.

One of my friends is going to turn 30 in a few days. I mean, this is the friend that I have been talking about turning 30 with. I think 30 is like the forgotten time - a lot of people I know seems to be pregnant or raising a baby or two or doing all of that, such that they don't think very much about turning 30. If anything, 30 is like a deadline, like I have to get married before I turn 30, or I have to have a baby before I turn 30. Neither of these things applies to me because I don't want to get married before I turn 30 - really, what's the rush and secondly, I can't quite imagine having a baby without being married first. Call me old fashioned in this department. Plus the biological clock doesn't worry me right now, I am hoping that I can just by-pass this whole biological clock worrying thing. I don't know, I guess I am just so not maternal.

I mean, you know there are those people who knew since they were kids that one day they are going to have their own kids and so as soon as they are married, they have kids? Or they have kids even before they were married? Actually, I am not sure if the latter is planned or whatever, but they seem to be fine with it, so I guess who am I to comment right? Afterall, I know deep down that I am not one of those people because I don't even know if I want to have kids or not. Yeah, I know that it is a miracle and blessing, etc. Yet I am not sure I would buy the whole you-have-a-responsibility-to-procreate thing. Maybe the responsibility does exist, but I guess I just don't want to bear it.

Turning 30, to me, is so much more than deciding to have kids or not. It is like you have been living for 30 years in this planet and you hope that in those 30 years you've made this world a better place, and that you would continue to make sure that you keep doing so. I am of view that this world is a better place if I am happy, as happy people make this world a better place. Thus I work very hard on my happiness. I wish I worked out this 'secret' earlier in life: you are as happy as you allow yourself to be. Over the years, I have friends who told me to do things to make me happy, and none of their advice made sense to me partly because I felt guilty being happy when my parents were going through the divorce.

It is pretty hard to be happy when you come home to a mother who wants to kill herself constantly. It is like by default I have to be miserable because she is miserable. Do you know what the hard thing is though? She is still somewhat miserable till this day because she seems unable to let go of the fact that her marriage didn't work out. This used to sadden me a lot. Lately I realised that there is nothing I can do for her that would make a difference, not because I am so useless, but because she just doesn't allow herself to be happy. Her whole life is predicated on waiting for something to happen - and then being happy when that thing happens. I swear I would never put my life on hold like that. This is why I hate people who say, IF I have this, then I am happy. Complete bullshit. Most of the time when they do have that thing, they are not going to be happy because they focus on something else that is wrong with their lives. They are forever putting their happiness on hold.

Being happy is hard work. It is like love - it is an emotion that takes a lot of work, a conscious decision and constant self-affirmations, daily, hourly, as often as you need to fight for it. You need to focus on yourself and you need to remind yourself to be happy. Chance is that you will be happy everyday, just not all day every day. It is about choosing to enjoy the little bursts of joy in the little things in life, smiling when you spot something beautiful and giving thanks for the things that you do have right now, as well as the things that you don't have right now (like an illness, for example).

The good news is that overtime, being happy can become a habit. I think this is one habit that is worth adopting. We get better at being happy with time. I think growing older has its perks, as long as you know how to live well.

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