Free will

So yesterday, I came to the conclusion that

(1) you are an adult

(2) you are free to make your own decisions

(3) you are the one who needs to live with them

And so subsequently, I decided to just let it be. I mean, I am not going to give an opinion when you didn't ask for one.

I don't mind giving an opinion or two, insofar as they are wanted. I can even give a well-thought out one given the right set of information and adequate time to think about it. I can care when you ask me to care. But I cannot care when you don't ask me to - it is just too much for me. Unrequited love is something I prefer not to have in my life.

Maybe, I just don't love you as much any more. It is ok, I know you don't love me as much too. Once upon a time, we did love each other a lot. Well, I did love you a lot. In 2009. I don't love you as much any more. I am not sure I could ever love you like I did in 2009.

An overwhelming sense of disbelief

Feels like we are back in 2009.

You told me you were getting married. You told me you wanted me there. You told me it was to the same guy who cancelled on you. You told me that this time, it was going to be small and intimate. Males banget sama big wedding.

I don't know what to say so I asked my boss (who is also my cubicle buddy), who very kindly said that I should shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. He has this tendency to be right on a lot of things, so I followed his advice and conveyed my congratulations. But I could not bring myself to tell her that I was happy for her. I am not even sure I am happy for her.

How important is the past to you? I'd like to say that it is not that important to me - especially if it is your family's past that is the question, but lately I am beginning to realise that a significant portion of who we are today is the shadow of what we did in the past. These are the things that we would always carry with us for the rest of our lives, shape us and mould us to what we are today and the destinations that we choose to forward to. Where we are today and where we are going will never be able to erase our past - and also the lives of those around us.

For whatever reason she chose whatever she chose, be it because she'd like to be different than him, or that she wants to gain the upper hand in the relationship for the rest of her life, or whatever else, I can't begin to comprehend this thing they said is called love and its resultant impact on the rationality of mankind.

Staying true to myself

How much can you tell about someone based on the choices they make, or advise others to make, or don't make? I have always thought that I am pretty risk adverse, but time and time again, I discover others who are even more risk adverse than me. For a while I toyed with the idea of becoming one of them, come on, a stable job in the midst of the GFC - who wouldn't want that?

And yes, the economy is pretty much still in turmoil these days, and perhaps this volatility is slowly becoming a norm. Or maybe we are just witnessing this thing called structural shift in employment. Whatever it may be, I just know that I would kill myself if I am basing my decisions right now on stability. Like seriously - after coming this far?

Of course the definition of stability differs from one person to the next. But here is the thing - when you are not desperate, you have options and when you have options, you can be as fussy as you want to be. This is your life and you have to live it. So listen to your heart.

I have said no to money before and I have no trouble saying no to it right now. Somethings in life we just cannot buy with money.

Note to self: stop offering unsolicited advice!

Sydney, circa 2008

A few people

I guess I forgot what it felt like to have someone believe in me. I was gently and kindly reminded me yesterday that no matter how low I felt, someone out there still loves me. That someone comes in the form of my best friend. I cannot find words to describe how precious it feels to have someone who just listens without judgment. Especially since I am so judgmental.

I suppose this is why you have a few people in your life - because you cannot get everything from one person. It is just impossible - no one is perfect, you are not perfect. Life is imperfect. There is always something that we want to change, we want to fix, we want to eliminate. We dislike sadness, yet without sadness, how can we ever appreciate happiness. We dislike being poor, yet without poverty, how can we appreciate abundance? Everything in life is relative. We must always remember where we come from.

One of the best things my parents ever gave me is humble beginnings. Growing up, I never quite understood the privilege that was given to me just because my parents could give them to me. I never quite understood what it felt like to do without those things. As I get older, I appreciate a lot of things a lot more than I used to. I am not sure if this is a sign of maturity, or growing up, or simply old age - but I do realise that I am indeed very very lucky.

What do you do

This post is inspired by this post here.

This coming Friday, I will be meeting some friends from back in college days. I said friends, but we are mostly acquaintances. Friendly acquaintances. The fact that we were stuck in college together somehow bonds us for the many years to come. We are the typical high achieving individuals who are overly competitive about anything and everything, especially when it comes to our careers.

I am lucky that I have a lot of successful friends. I think our successes enforce each other's - in a way that we work harder in order to keep up with each other. We all work hard to get where we are now. We each have various different paths - and I hope we are all happy with our options.

I have said before that I am happy with mine. I must say that I don't really talk about this in real life because conversations around jobs are usually about whining about anything you are not happy with - so it is really difficult to gauge whether someone is happy with their jobs or not. Too many are settling - for the pay check mostly. I don't blame those people - we need money to live. Personal happiness and satisfaction can become of secondary importance when you need to feed hungry mouths.

It is easy to define who we are by what we spend most of our waking time doing. My office hour is approximately 8-9 hours (sometimes more) per day and I am okay with that. My friends work longer hours - and yes, we are one of those weird people who actually take pride in working longer hours. I was this way until I realise that my time is limited and I want to spend my time doing other things. My office hour is still long, but I am making time to do the things that I want to do - like blogging.

I can't really call myself a blogger - can I? Although my friends have no problem calling me that. They also call me a writer. I'd like to be called a photographer, an artist, an interior designer, an investor, a negotiator and a stylist - in due time. There are so many things I'd like to do, so little time.

Most importantly, I hope my family call me a good child and a good sister, my nephew calls me a good aunty and looks forward to spending time with me.

relationships

we discussed relationships.

my take has always been: it is hard and it is meant to be hard. but a lot of people are uncomfortable with this idea. is it still difficult with me? yes it is. and you don't make it difficult, it is the nature of relationships themselves. to make it work, we have to work very hard. i don't mind working hard for it because of you. i hope you feel the same way.

so no, you don't make it difficult, you don't make it more difficult. at times you make it easier - and this is a relative term. once you have experienced something worse, you get to appreciate the good stuff more. get out there and experience life. talk to people, listen to them and get to know them. allow yourself to feel the things that you are scared about. that is one of the many ways you can grow.

i think love is largely a choice - a choice to keep loving these people no matter what happens. a conscious decision to keep on working on and growing the relationship, and to keep on growing as an individual. you choose to put the other person first, and conversely, the other person chooses to put you first. it is a rather strange combination because then who is put first? at times you give, and you must also allow yourself to take. you are not only responsible for your personal growth, you are also working towards assisting the person you love in his/her personal growth.

and by default, growing is painful. there is no painkiller that can take away the pain. and it is ok, because by going through with it, we become better people.

the gift of time

i spent most of yesterday with you. i loved organising you. your messy surroundings drove me insane (as always). i did not tell you this before, but i admired how you managed to find everything eventually. so no dear, you never lost anything, you just misplaced them temporarily. i guess i did not say this enough to you, but i really do love you. you are the only person in this planet that i would want to organise like that. it gives me a sense of satisfaction knowing that i have done everything possible to make your life easier. that is the least that i could do for you.

i wished that i brought my camera with me. some shots here and there would make pleasant memories of the things that we did. the mediocrity of life, things that we hardly find time to do unless of course we are preparing for some event. like a trip somewhere. a trip of not-so-ideal-timing, if i can say so myself. sort of reminded me of my own trip a couple of years back.

i am going to start with the conclusion - being this: let's not get married in November. November weddings, so far, the statistics are two out two, have a tendency to be cancelled a few days after the tickets have been purchased. so either we wait till a week before the wedding and then purchasing the tickets (exorbitant price) or not attend (usually can't escape this one). so for the sake of everyone's well being, lets not plan weddings in November. October is good and so is December.

i think what most people fail to recognise is this: attending weddings are expensive, especially if it involves travelling to another country. partly why i prefer not to attend weddings overseas. right now, i am definitely wedding-ed out. and i definitely had enough of cancelled weddings.

am i missing something here? i am always of view that the decision to be married is a massive decision - life changing sort of thing. as such, conversely, the decision to cancel should be an equally massive decision - if not bigger. and surely, this decision would have been pondered over and over again, and surely you would have known this more than a few weeks before the wedding.

i give all of my sympathy to those who are in the situation of having to cancel their weddings. yet it also sucks when they become so self absorbed that they fail to appreciate the things that others tried to do to cheer them up. the best gift in this life - in my opinion - is the gift of time. and when someone is in the position to offer such gift, then it is only fitting that the gift is accepted by giving back your time in return. this is not rocket science - it is called being thoughtful. it is not about reciprocating the gift, it is about accepting graciously by giving your time in return. because if you don't accept, then the gift is wasted. if you don't accept, you failed to recognise that it was there to begin with.

and for once, i understand why people say "more than you ever know".

i need another story

the hardest lessons in life are the ones that you learn when the person who taught them has gone. and as always, one of my regrets is that i didn't get to know these people when i had the chance to. it is like they are going away, therefore we want to spend as much time as possible with them. what was it that we were doing with our time before we decide that we are going to spend time with those we love. in life, we really do take a lot of things for granted.

i always said that i am permanently enrolled in the school of life. i never quite seem to grasp what it is that life decides to teach me. i am grateful for my life and how everything turns out so far. with every step that i take, i learn new things about myself. the issues that i thought were resolved rear their faces at the most unexpected moments. i guess this is what i get after spending more time trying to run away from them rather than facing them head on. that i did not cry when i should have and when i had the chance to.

i think about you and the brief moments that we shared together and how you have touched my life in the most beautiful way a stranger can. it is ironically when you decide to leave that i realise how much you mean to me. you have a way of understanding me the way other people cannot even begin to comprehend. i am touched by your sincere care and understanding - and i promise to care more about others in the way you care about me. i miss you. so so much. in the short time that our paths crossed each other, i feel most fortunate to be a part of your life. i do hope that one day we get the chance to be a part of each other's lives again.

the world is your playground baby. venture out and shine - spread your wings and fly away.