Something painful to share

I came across Yashar yesterday morning. In case you have not worked it out, Yashar is a man. I don't know what makes him able to write what he writes on the blog, but I do find myself having to constantly remind myself that this is a man writing these whole thing. How a man manages to attain such understanding on women and what it is like being a woman is something that is beyond my comprehension.

My first taste of Yashar is his article here in which I learnt a new term gaslighting. I never knew such a thing existed until I read Yashar (yes, I know, I am pretty ignorant) and I scrolled down quickly through the comments to find that lots of people were sharing their experiences being the receiving end of this phenomenon. I call that, quite simply, emotional manipulation.

I have been the subject of emotional manipulation by my own mother ever since I was young. I have a crappy memory about my childhood but everything that I manage to remember as a child that involved my mother has always been nasty. I don't remember feeling good being around that woman. And this is after learning that as human beings we are preconditioned to remember the good things more than the bad things (the rosy retrospection bias). I don't even want to think about how terrible I used to feel around my mother if what I remember right now are the relatively good things.

My parents got divorced sometime back and in the years leading to the finalisation of the divorce were the years that I started realising how much emotional manipulation my mother engaged in. She practised it to everyone and anyone she came across, and in particular to me, since according to her, I was my father's favourite. Needless to say, I was manipulated for a while, before I came to my senses and realised that this was just wrong - no matter how hard I tried to justify it. There was no justification at all. I spent the subsequent years fighting off her attempts of emotional manipulation, but I was still manipulated because I was unable to feel good about myself. I was constantly upset and angry as a result of her tricks.

Life was just so hard. I thought about my friends who looked forward to going home and enjoying the weekend and doing whatever else that they do with their families - I never had the opportunity to do that. The rest of the time that I was not at school or at work, well, I just spent it doing something else on my own, mostly studying. I avoided my mother because I did not want to give her another chance to emotionally manipulate me. I avoided my sister for the same reason. I never quite boil it down to these, but lately I realised that they were manipulating me and of course, currently denying it (which confirms the manipulation) - and here is the deal: I have had enough.

I have had enough of pretending that I like you when I don't like you. I have had enough of pretending that life is great and everything is fantastic between us when we have so many issues that we cannot even discussed - especially when you don't even want to hear what I have to say. I have had enough of you dismissing whatever I feel as something wrong. I have had enough dealing with your side of the family telling me that my choices in life are wrong.

I am a child of divorce and I know that fact. My parents are not bad people because they are divorced. You are a bad person because you emotionally manipulated me (and still do). You are a bad person because you said you are sorry, but you are in fact, not genuinely sorry. Actions speak louder than words.

All my life, I wanted to feel loved by you. I wanted you to put me first for once. I wanted you to think about me first - the way parents usually think about their children, especially when they need them most. I wanted you to be there when it matters the most, not because of you, but because of me. But all that I ever see is that you want me to do things for you, which is why you want me around. If I am of no use to you, then you don't want me around. Is it any wonder that I feel so used and so manipulated?

Do you remember that time when you said that my father wanted to abort me? I bet you don't remember, but I do. I asked him whether it is true. This is what he said: your mother wanted to abort you. So thank you for making me feel unwanted for all of my life.

For the longest time, I felt like everything was my fault. Nothing that I ever do will ever be good enough for you. I wanted validation from you - another thing I would never get. I stopped wanting it for the past few years and my life has been significantly better because of that.

The difficult thing about this is that one, we are supposedly family and so there is no way I could just divorce you and have nothing to do with you for the rest of my life; and two, most people out there who heard me share thing were mostly in disbelief because according to them, a mother can never do that to her own child. Guess what. This one does. So it is either I am wrong about my feelings (again), or if I am right about my feelings, then it must mean, by inference, that I am not her child.

I don't care which one it is.

I have stopped wanting love from you, mother. I do not want to have anything to do with you. Your life is yours and my life is mine. Let's just keep them separate. I don't want to share my life with you, and I don't want you to share your life with me.

Life is as good as you make it

Go and read this. I always appreciate those who are honest with what they really think about certain things in life, and those with a healthy dose of cynicism.

So my parents stayed with me for like a week or so, and I got to hear first hand their attitudes about work and earning an income. I think I am pretty lucky that I have two sides of the equation here. My dad prefers that I become an entrepreneur (as he is one) and not dependent on other people on my income. My mum prefers steady and stable income. They are both right in some ways. I don't think they are mutually exclusive, although they may appear to be. In any case, they got me thinking a lot about what I should be focusing on in this life - like my next obsession sort of thing. This is kind of a little bit tricky because I am not necessarily good at the things that I enjoy doing. Like writing, for example. It is heaps fun because I get to write whatever I want and relieve my brain off the endless chatters and mutters, mostly my judgements and analysis on anything and everything around me. But I would not call myself a good writer because well, I don't think I am that good. I make lots of errors, mostly because I often write here in the stream of consciousness style and I hardly edit anything. What I think is what I write.

I think a significant element of becoming an entrepreneur is to take risks. You will never know what will bring you money. At times you don't even know what to do. If you are waiting for someone to tell you what to do, then you will never become an entrepreneur. You may as well become a salaried employee, who works depending on the instructions of your boss. The whole point of becoming a successful entrepreneur is to take risk and to manage it at the same time. The rule remains the same: high risk, high return. Subsequently, no risk, no return. If you are extremely certain that following what other people say about doing something will bring you success, the question that you ask yourself is why don't they do it themselves. If they are so fuckin' certain that their way is the right way, then why aren't they doing it themselves and become stinkin' rich in the process.

Not everybody can be an entrepreneur. Not everybody can be a leader. It is just the way it is. We were not all born to lead - if we are all leading, then who is following us, and what are we leading? Exactly. I think it is more a question of whether you want to be a leader, and how much do you want to be a good leader. In my professional capacity I get to do things that I don't get to do in my personal capacity, and for that I am grateful to be working. I learn so much about so much, it builds my confidence and it teaches me this powerful thing called humility. Through various exposures in my professional life, I have learned to live properly, I become the person who I am right now, and I actually like this person. Such a far cry from that awkward teenager who was perpetually misunderstood.

I think life is as good as we make it. Each and every morning I wake up, I make a conscious decision to be happy. I do my best in almost everything that I do, and I go home each day feeling contented with how I manage to handle life and how to grow in this life. I think life is as much about you as it is about everything around you. I personally would not tell people to quit their jobs and pursue a dramatically different life, or to slow down or whatever. I would encourage people to actively choose to be happy at every opportunity they have, and to work tirelessly at it. Everything in this life is hard work. Those who are prepared, well organised and equipped for this hard work are one of the happiest group of people I have ever observed.

Are you a good child?

I love my parents to bits but they also drive me insane. I think this is more a side effect of living away from them. It is like, seriously, when you only see each other once a year and then you end up spending the next 7 days 24/7 together all day everyday, you are bound to get into each other's skin. This time around I try extra hard so that I don't get into my dad's nerve. I try so hard not to aggravate him. Because if I can be the perfect child in at least 5 days of the year, then I think I can live with that. It is, in all likelihood, unrealistic and definitely twisted thinking on my part, but I really really really can't help it.

In all honesty, I cannot imagine life any other way. I cannot imagine not living the life that I live now and if someone were to tell me that this is not the life I am meant to live in, then I guess I must be pretty screwed. I can understand that a lot of people would not approve of this, but guess what - this floats my boat for now. So if you don't like it, then that's too bad.

I don't normally say this, but I reckon I do a pretty good job in navigating all the crazy borderline psychotic responses that I tend to have on my head on anything and everything that is not going the way I foresee it. If I have to explain to every single person that when you have more than two parents, you just cannot help calling the rest as mum and dad - and the line between biological and non-biological relationship does get blurred - which is not necessarily a bad thing. When you try so hard to make things work, not because someone else is forcing you too, but rather because of mutual respect (given freely, unlike trust, which has to be earned), then you realise that just because you love someone does not mean that you love the others less. Love is not a zero-sum game. You are allowed to love someone and you don't need to ask for permission to love someone. You can just love and expect nothing in return. And when you get love back, then it is mutual respect and understanding in its highest form. That is when you can truly wish the best for that person.

When life gives you the chance to do this, what else can you do if not grab it by the horns and run with it.

A few people

I guess I forgot what it felt like to have someone believe in me. I was gently and kindly reminded me yesterday that no matter how low I felt, someone out there still loves me. That someone comes in the form of my best friend. I cannot find words to describe how precious it feels to have someone who just listens without judgment. Especially since I am so judgmental.

I suppose this is why you have a few people in your life - because you cannot get everything from one person. It is just impossible - no one is perfect, you are not perfect. Life is imperfect. There is always something that we want to change, we want to fix, we want to eliminate. We dislike sadness, yet without sadness, how can we ever appreciate happiness. We dislike being poor, yet without poverty, how can we appreciate abundance? Everything in life is relative. We must always remember where we come from.

One of the best things my parents ever gave me is humble beginnings. Growing up, I never quite understood the privilege that was given to me just because my parents could give them to me. I never quite understood what it felt like to do without those things. As I get older, I appreciate a lot of things a lot more than I used to. I am not sure if this is a sign of maturity, or growing up, or simply old age - but I do realise that I am indeed very very lucky.

What do you do

This post is inspired by this post here.

This coming Friday, I will be meeting some friends from back in college days. I said friends, but we are mostly acquaintances. Friendly acquaintances. The fact that we were stuck in college together somehow bonds us for the many years to come. We are the typical high achieving individuals who are overly competitive about anything and everything, especially when it comes to our careers.

I am lucky that I have a lot of successful friends. I think our successes enforce each other's - in a way that we work harder in order to keep up with each other. We all work hard to get where we are now. We each have various different paths - and I hope we are all happy with our options.

I have said before that I am happy with mine. I must say that I don't really talk about this in real life because conversations around jobs are usually about whining about anything you are not happy with - so it is really difficult to gauge whether someone is happy with their jobs or not. Too many are settling - for the pay check mostly. I don't blame those people - we need money to live. Personal happiness and satisfaction can become of secondary importance when you need to feed hungry mouths.

It is easy to define who we are by what we spend most of our waking time doing. My office hour is approximately 8-9 hours (sometimes more) per day and I am okay with that. My friends work longer hours - and yes, we are one of those weird people who actually take pride in working longer hours. I was this way until I realise that my time is limited and I want to spend my time doing other things. My office hour is still long, but I am making time to do the things that I want to do - like blogging.

I can't really call myself a blogger - can I? Although my friends have no problem calling me that. They also call me a writer. I'd like to be called a photographer, an artist, an interior designer, an investor, a negotiator and a stylist - in due time. There are so many things I'd like to do, so little time.

Most importantly, I hope my family call me a good child and a good sister, my nephew calls me a good aunty and looks forward to spending time with me.

the gift of time

i spent most of yesterday with you. i loved organising you. your messy surroundings drove me insane (as always). i did not tell you this before, but i admired how you managed to find everything eventually. so no dear, you never lost anything, you just misplaced them temporarily. i guess i did not say this enough to you, but i really do love you. you are the only person in this planet that i would want to organise like that. it gives me a sense of satisfaction knowing that i have done everything possible to make your life easier. that is the least that i could do for you.

i wished that i brought my camera with me. some shots here and there would make pleasant memories of the things that we did. the mediocrity of life, things that we hardly find time to do unless of course we are preparing for some event. like a trip somewhere. a trip of not-so-ideal-timing, if i can say so myself. sort of reminded me of my own trip a couple of years back.

i am going to start with the conclusion - being this: let's not get married in November. November weddings, so far, the statistics are two out two, have a tendency to be cancelled a few days after the tickets have been purchased. so either we wait till a week before the wedding and then purchasing the tickets (exorbitant price) or not attend (usually can't escape this one). so for the sake of everyone's well being, lets not plan weddings in November. October is good and so is December.

i think what most people fail to recognise is this: attending weddings are expensive, especially if it involves travelling to another country. partly why i prefer not to attend weddings overseas. right now, i am definitely wedding-ed out. and i definitely had enough of cancelled weddings.

am i missing something here? i am always of view that the decision to be married is a massive decision - life changing sort of thing. as such, conversely, the decision to cancel should be an equally massive decision - if not bigger. and surely, this decision would have been pondered over and over again, and surely you would have known this more than a few weeks before the wedding.

i give all of my sympathy to those who are in the situation of having to cancel their weddings. yet it also sucks when they become so self absorbed that they fail to appreciate the things that others tried to do to cheer them up. the best gift in this life - in my opinion - is the gift of time. and when someone is in the position to offer such gift, then it is only fitting that the gift is accepted by giving back your time in return. this is not rocket science - it is called being thoughtful. it is not about reciprocating the gift, it is about accepting graciously by giving your time in return. because if you don't accept, then the gift is wasted. if you don't accept, you failed to recognise that it was there to begin with.

and for once, i understand why people say "more than you ever know".