You can't censor me

Often the most powerful things in life are our own personal reflections. How we view ourselves and how we feel about ourselves and our choices in life make up who we are each and every day. They said that a man finds a woman most attractive when she is comfortable in her own skin. But other women would more likely dislike her for being comfortable in her own skin (because most women are not). The real choice is whether you are comfortable in your skin or not, attractions aside. I would choose to be comfortable in my own skin because I think my life is better when I am comfortable with myself. I can live with others disliking me, for whatever reason. But I don't think I can live if I dislike myself.

In the past I have written quite a lot about my personal reflections. My boyfriend at the time hated it so much because according to him, my recollections of what happened were not true. He saw things differently and he was angry that I did not see things from his point of view. An online war ensued. The war ended by me closing down my blog. This is extremely silly of me, upon reflection. I bent down at the demands of someone irrational and unreasonable, who basically, instead of listening (or rather reading) what I've got to say, decided to get angry, ignore everything and refuse to acknowledge that as a human being, I have my own thoughts, perceptions and reasons. No wonder the relationship disintegrated soon after.

But I am going to write about that relationship today. Just like any other human being, I am subject to the rosy introspection bias. Or maybe I just choose to remember the good things more than the bad things.

I was never someone who said "I love you" each and every day - in fact, I rarely ever said that, even until today. It is not that I don't love anybody, it is just that I have always been a firm believer that actions speak louder than words. I think I have a pretty good command of words in the sense that I can write clearly, and I do appreciate some awesome literary creations (Joan Didion anybody?). Yet at the same time, I do not put a lot of emphasis on words. Especially if they are delivered orally. Seeing things in print, or even better, in writing, is a more powerful experience for me. Is this why I prefer to email rather than call? Perhaps.

One of our so-called issues was that according to him, I never said "I love you", and that I never acknowledged our "relationship" in public. Both were true. The first claim, I have already explained. The second claim - I don't have an explanation because I don't think I should be declaring anything in public. We were not in high school any more. I don't think I behaved like a single person - I certainly was not looking for a boyfriend. Yes, I had an endless stream of male suitors and I think they all just wanted to have sex with me. That's nature, isn't it. The real issue is whether I allowed them or not. I did not. I can't stop them from wanting to have sex with me, but I can stop myself from having sex with them.

I don't talk about my relationships with anyone, I don't think I am comfortable with sharing the details with anyone, really. The key word here is talk, as in face to face conversation detailing what happened, what we talked about, etc. This is because I think a relationship is something sacred and special and should only be between two people. When there are other parties in the relationship, then things start to fall apart, especially if those people are not supportive of what you want in the relationship. Yes, there are people who are supportive, but these people are rare. Most of the time, quite unfortunately, people don't care, they are just curious. I learn from a long time ago that to protect my relationships, I don't discuss them, unless it is with the direct parties involved. It is called communication - direct communication is the best, because the chance of misunderstanding is minimised.

I have explained this to my then boyfriend and he just could not understand why. Maybe it is the fact that he is more of an extrovert and I am more of an introvert, or maybe that is just how he rolls, what happened was that this is one of the very many things that we cannot agree upon. We can't even agree to disagree on this one. I don't mind disagreeing with him. He did not like that we don't agree on this.

While I did not talk much about my relationship, I did write a lot about my reflections on relationships in general. This is how I learn in life. I realise that the lessons that we learn are often personal and are unique to our set of circumstance, and quite often involve some un-doing of an unnoticed damaged that happened in our past. I think this is how we evolve as human beings. This is how we become better people. Something that is blatantly obvious for someone is not always necessarily obvious for another person, and subsequently, the same issue have different impacts on different individuals. As such, it is unreasonable for anyone to say "that is not a lesson" because each reaction is so personal, and how we handle those reactions are even more personal than anyone can ever realise.

I mean, really, it was and still is, my form of therapy. I used to have regular sessions with a shrink when I was going through a difficult moment in my life and we used to talk about these things. We discussed strategies on how to handle difficult issues in life. One of the things that we talked about was what was termed the active avoidance strategy. It is like when you see someone you'd like to avoid coming down the corridor, you just turn around (subtly) and walk the other way. This is different from running away - which is when you refuse to confront the issue altogether. This is when you confront the issue and you consciously devise strategies to cope with it so that you can still live your life without falling apart.

I get that life is not perfect - but what makes it perfect is how you manage to handle and manage it. I get that any relationship can never be perfect, but what makes it perfect is how two people manage to balance their lives and their relationships together. Where I went wrong was that there were certain things that I actively avoid - like discussing issues whereby I refused to follow his views. In retrospect, what I should have done is assess how important those issues were and asked myself whether I could be with someone who did not accept me the way I was. This question is really important because acceptance is vital in any relationship. I don't think I need to understand you wholly and completely, but I do need to accept that that is just you and that is fine.

One lesson I learn over and over again in my life is this: stay true to yourself. Be comfortable with who you are. You don't have to fit into any mould or whatever. The ultimate prize of being comfortable in your own skin is that you get to enjoy your life the way you like to. This is one of the ways that you can be happy.

On attachment to things

I used to be one of these people who are excessively attached to things for no apparent reason. In high school, I had trouble tossing my books for the year just passed, so they accumulated in the basement for the longest time. About 10-15 years later, I was the one who tossed them into the recycling bin; should have done that like 10 years ago.

I used to do the same with my computer files. I used to be one of these people who are crazy about back up. Then I realise that it is not important to back up everything. There are some things that need back up. But there are things that are not that important. So really, why bother.

I used to get irrationally attached to all my clothes/shoes/bags. This is perhaps the silliest attachment of all, given that I didn't wear a lot of them for various reasons. So I let go of all of the ones that I don't wear and/or don't love any more. It was very liberating and I do that on a regular basis now.

The only thing I don't really get attached to are people. Since a very early age, I accepted that people come and go and none of them really stay in my life for a long long time. There are a few who are kind, loving and understanding and are always around when I need them most, but that's about it, really. Most people come back and forth, drift from one spot to another. Sometimes our paths cross and we got together. I have very few people that I miss constantly. I miss various people in little bits and pieces every now and then.

The same thing happens with places that I have stayed in. I have moved so often in my life that I don't care where I live any more insofar it is nice and comfortable. I don't miss particular apartments that much. I don't miss places that much. I just focus on enjoying where I happen to live at the moment.

I think a lot of what we are attached to are not necessarily things that we place a lot of value and importance to. It might just be by accident. Or maybe, laziness. Letting go is a lot easier once we have made the decision to do so. In fact, I cannot imagine my life any other way these days.

Have a great weekend!

Write it like it is

I have been thinking quite a lot lately about what I write. And the catalyst is that (a) I see a lot fantastic writing each and every day and (2) if I am blogging more consistently, as what my intent has been ever since I write this blog, then I'd like for my writing to be better over time. Whether it is actually showing signs of improvement or not is not up to my judgement. I judge my performance in a professional context and when it comes to nurturing a hobby like this, I prefer not to judge. Yes, I know that I get judged all the time by whoever is reading this - and it is fine. I have a thick skin. I get criticised a lot, people dislike me because of what I write, etc etc etc.

I want my writing to be an honest exercise. I want to write about anything that captures my attention like it actually is, not some polished version that is intended to please someone. Or in other words, I write it like it is. In the past I got into trouble because of this, and I stopped for a while. Then I became one of those who had difficulty listening to their own voices. So one day, in an attempt to listen to myself a lot more, I thought, screw everybody and I am just going to do whatever I see fit. Honest writing fits the bill perfectly. This is the world from my keyboard.

****

I was born privileged. My parents were materially blessed and we have more than enough to sustain us. I grew up in a small town in Indonesia and went to a school where I was labelled as one of the rich kids. My school fee was the most expensive in the year!! (School fees differed from one student to the next in those years.) I was driven to school in my dad's car, and he hired a driver for us for that purpose. The same driver and the same car would pick me up from school and back home, where I would have my lunch before I was driven again somewhere for some extracurricular activities. I hated the scouts by the way, I really did not see why I should march in lines and cook with wood when I had gas stoves and the microwave. I was never into camping, so that sort of explained my aversion to the scouts' activities.

I never quite felt like I belonged there. As far as I can remember, I always felt out of place. Or maybe I was just being one of those spoilt brats who was always wanting more and more. My childhood was far from perfect by the way - for starters, I have an older sister who is perpetually jealous of me. You know when people have older siblings and they are close - well, our relationship is not like that. This made me think that if I do ever decide to have a kid, I think I would just have one, so that he/she can have everything without having to deal with having this person who is perpetually jealous of him/her.

Growing up, I saw poverty in front of my eyes. Our house was much nicer than the houses that my classmates live in, but theirs felt warmer, there was always people around and they had companionship. This was something we never have at home - there was hardly anyone ever visiting. This was perhaps attributed to the fact that our house was located on the other side of town and our neighbours generally kept to themselves. I don't know. I remember thinking that the concept of wealth is relative. I was too young to understand money, or rather, the power of money, but I remember thinking I prefer living in a small house that is warm than a mansion that is empty and cold. The best scenario is probably a mansion that is warm - but I am not sure I'd like to live in a mansion. This is why I live in an apartment today, and I make sure that I fill it with love. Lots of love.

I never quite appreciated having options for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I remember complaining that I don't like the food and that I prefer to eat other things. I remember getting into trouble because of that - for a good reason too, I was an ungrateful little brat. These days, if I don't like what I am eating (almost never), I just don't eat it and pretend I am not hungry. I wish I had the same restrain when I was younger, then I would have gotten into less trouble. This is why I don't really do dinner invitations where I have no say in the restaurant and/or food that is prepared or served. I appreciate people who want to cook for me, but really, I prefer to cook it the way I want to. The idea of having to pretend I am not hungry when I actually am is annoying to me.

I am one of the lucky ones. I am grateful for what I have right now. I have a really good life. I want to make the most of this opportunity and I'd like to do it on my terms. I think this fortune means nothing if I cannot have the freedom to live life the way I see fit. I also think I don't need to justify my preferences to anyone ever. I don't think I need to even explain myself at all. I am willing to share my journey, and I realise that this would be an avenue for those who want to judge me; so be it.

I have forgotten you

Actually, that's not accurate. I still remember you. I recognise who you are. If I see you on the street, I would know that it is you. I can probably spot you from afar, or not, I don't pay a lot of attention to these things these days. My mind is preoccupied with lots of other things far more interesting than you. I guess when they say time does heal, what they really mean is that time makes you forget. The time that has been passing since we parted ways has made me slowly forget a lot of things about you.

I forget what sort of food you like. I almost wish that I wrote it down somewhere so that I can reminisce about it when I want to. I forget if you have a preference for a particular kind of wine. Maybe you don't, you seemed to drink anything alcoholic that came your way. I guess you were never fussy that way. Just like you ate anything that came your way. I forget the books you read, the movies you enjoyed, the tv shows that you were addicted to. Maybe I never paid attention in the first place to have enough mental space to allow me to remember.

I can still remember that you enjoyed your lattes and you like going to a cafe every weekend. But this is something that almost every Australian enjoys doing, so I am not sure if this is a trend that I just happen to remember that actually fits you quite so perfectly. I forget what sort of brunch you prefer - I am not sure that you have a preference, actually. As I said, you were never fussy that way.

I guess all that I seem to remember is that you were never a fussy individual. Always amicable, always agreeable. Always saying yes to anything and everything. I remember being invited to one of your 'friend's gathering and he did not open the bottles of wine that the guests brought. This stuck to my mind because I found that extremely odd and rude at the same time. I thought when you extend a dinner invitation, you would at least know the etiquette attached to it. I guess I was wrong. Or I just had a different standard all together. Because if it were me and my friends, the bottles of wine that the guests bring would be the ones cracked open and enjoyed. And when that run out, the host would supply more wine or take a quick trip down to the bottle shop and get more wine.

Throughout the time that we were supposedly together, I never felt as if I was your girlfriend. This was why I hated how you kept referring me as your girlfriend when you did not even treat me like one. I don't care how much gift you brought me - I hated those things, I hated wearing the dresses you brought, I never asked for any of them. I hated having to pretend that I liked them and that I was grateful for them. I much prefer selecting the dresses myself. Yes, this is partially my fault because I never quite told you openly that I prefer to select the dresses myself. Lately this is what I told people: don't give things that I don't ask for. Chance is that I will toss them. My sister tried giving me a pair of black shoes that I said no to before even seeing them. Yes, I am that ruthless. I can't help it - I prefer going shopping myself.

I don't know what you thought a boyfriend was, but this is what it has always been for me: someone who not only tells me that he loves me, but also shows me at every opportunity that he loves me. He is someone who understands that I appreciate his efforts a lot more when I have actually asked for the favour a priori. He understands that I have my own life and my own schedule and my own preferences and he does not try to permeate every single aspect of my life. He accepts that we need room to grow as individuals as much as we grow as a couple. So even when I don't always tell him that I love him, he knows that I do because he loves me that much.

What I remember of what is left is how you needed assurance constantly. It is like every single memory is tainted with how badly you wanted me to assure you of things that I was not even sure in the first place. There is no way in the world that I could have assured you that we were in a relationship if I did not even feel like I was your girlfriend. Yes, you said you loved me. Problem is that I did not feel that you loved me. If you thought this was my problem, then all I can say is this: this is precisely what the problem is. You said you love me, I don't feel it, you said that's my problem, I felt like your words were just that: words. I felt like you did not mean anything that you said. Thus, to me, you did not love me.

When it comes to this, we were both at fault, whether we'd like to admit it or not. But since it was all in the past, let's not discuss this anymore, shall we? Let's just move on and be happy. I know I am.

Bring it on

Always the case, isn't it. When you are trying to get over something, consciously or subconsciously, when you least expect it, the memories will come flooding - overwhelmingly and unapologetically. God help me if I am not able to deal with this, or even something as little as distancing myself emotionally from it. The floodgate of the memories I thought I have banished into the darkest corners of my brains comes rushing in the moments where I am least prepared - like when waking up in the morning, like one of the very first things that come to my mind as soon as I open my eyes is this very issue I am in the process of overcoming.

And that is precisely the point, is it not? Because I am overcoming it, because I want to overcome it, it surfaces when I least expect it because I have been suppressing it for so long?

It's gonna be a long journey and I say, bring it on.

Staying true to myself

How much can you tell about someone based on the choices they make, or advise others to make, or don't make? I have always thought that I am pretty risk adverse, but time and time again, I discover others who are even more risk adverse than me. For a while I toyed with the idea of becoming one of them, come on, a stable job in the midst of the GFC - who wouldn't want that?

And yes, the economy is pretty much still in turmoil these days, and perhaps this volatility is slowly becoming a norm. Or maybe we are just witnessing this thing called structural shift in employment. Whatever it may be, I just know that I would kill myself if I am basing my decisions right now on stability. Like seriously - after coming this far?

Of course the definition of stability differs from one person to the next. But here is the thing - when you are not desperate, you have options and when you have options, you can be as fussy as you want to be. This is your life and you have to live it. So listen to your heart.

I have said no to money before and I have no trouble saying no to it right now. Somethings in life we just cannot buy with money.

Note to self: stop offering unsolicited advice!

Sydney, circa 2008

Circa 2007

Skies are crying

I am watching

Catching teardrops in my hands

Only silence as it's ending, like we never had a chance

Do you have to, make me feel like there is nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper!

Like a skyscraper!

As the smoke clears

I awaken, and untangle you from me

Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?

All my windows, still are broken

But I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass

Like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper!

Like a skyscraper!

Go run, run, run

I'm gonna stay right here

Watch you disappear, yeah

Go run, run, run

Yeah it's a long way down

But I am closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have

You can break everything I am

Like i'm made of glass

Like i'm made of paper, Ohhh woaah

Go on and try to tear me down

I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper!

Like a skyscraper!

Like a skyscraper!

Like a skyscraper!

Life is like a box of macaroons

Sometimes I feel like a piece of me stayed behind, frozen in that moment of time, when I discovered that things would never be the same again | When I saw you were gone and I ran after you, I promised never to look back | But there is this part of me who were wishing so desperately that you asked me to run away with you | Afterall, what is the right thing to do in life if it is not the one thing that your heart silently aches for, especially when it can be very very bad for you.

Surabaya, circa 2000