Friday, June 8, 2012

It's just not my thing

There are certain things that I swear I cannot write about. BUT there are always exceptions to these things, and they are usually out of ... er... my inability to stop thinking about something.

So the story goes like this: I came across a photo of a friend and her fiance. She and I have come quite a long way. We were close for a while, and then she moved to a different country, then another country and then another one. We managed to keep in touch over the years. And deep down, we sort of think of each other as "best friends" however those two words are supposed to mean. To me, it meant something along the lines of you know, the one person who love you for who you are and you don't have to pretend in front of them, and having known most, if not all, of your quirks, they still love you no matter what happen. When you are down, they are the first to text or email something along the lines of "ruokx".

I am a very high maintenance individual. Fuck, even sometimes I have difficulties maintaining myself. Seriously. It must take a lot from my friends to actually be my friends. And to these people, I am eternally grateful. And in the extremely rare chance that you are reading this, thank you so so much. I am grateful for your friendship and you have made me a better person.

Anyway, I digress.

So the story continues. She was getting married. She wanted me to be one of her bridesmaids. I said yes, without hesitation. Two weeks before the wedding, her then-fiance got cold feet and the wedding didn't happen.

Fast forward 2 years later - she told me that she is getting married ... to the same man.

She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.

I sort of said no.

In case it is not clear from reading this blog, I am very much a blunt person in real life. I am slowly learning the art of being diplomatic. You know, things like saying no without actually saying no. I am not exactly good at the art of pretension, just yesterday, someone told me that I cannot tell a lie. These two things are relevant because (1) I want to be honest, and I know that I should not say what I really want to say because they are so not diplomatic and (2) because I can't do (1), I have to do something that is not (1), that is, I sort of have to make sure that I say the right things, in the right way, despite not being able to lie.


I gave the standard lame excuse of I wasn't sure whether I would be able to do so (or not) as I was not sure what I would be doing during that time. Truth is simple - it is not in my budget, because I am budgeting for something else. I don't think I need to justify that to anyone because at the end of the day, I have my own life to think about.

Sometimes I wish we can just be more upfront about monetary issues with our friends. I have said this before, I would spend money on my friends insofar as (1) I can afford it and (2) I am comfortable with the kind of spending. The issue at hand is not so much of (1), because really, I can always find the funds if I want to go (sorry, forgot to mention that the wedding is overseas). I am actually not comfortable with the kind of spending. Not so much that I don't want to attend her wedding, I don't want to be there, zip my mouth, smile for the camera and all the while watching her making the biggest mistake of her life (in my opinion).

I just don't think I can pretend to that extent.

To be fair, I can give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't know for sure if she is happy or not. I don't know a lot of the details of their relationship and I am pretty sure I don't want to know. All that I am doing is judging them based on the choices that they have made in the past. I get that past performance is not always an indicator of future performance, but it is a pretty good indicator most of the time, and in fact, you can use it as a predictor of future performance if you know how to harness its predictive powers.

This is one of those things in life in which I don't mind being wrong about.

Gritting my teeth is easier done when I am far away across the ocean and not witnessing things unravelling before my eyes.

In that picture I saw in Facebook, she looks old. Yeah, I get that we all age, but she and I are not that old yet. To me, that's somewhat an indication that she is not happy. A picture says a thousand words. Maybe I am over-analysing it, like always. Or maybe, it is true. I don't know. I don't want to find out.

At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness. We don't have anyone else to blame for the things that go wrong in our lives, except for ourselves and the decisions that we make. We have to be able to do the things that we want to do because we know it is truly right for us, not because someone else thinks it is right for us.

After 20 something years of living, I still struggle with this, and I am starting to realise that this may qualify as one of the permanent struggles of life. I am willing to struggle to stay true to myself.

I like to think that I am being a good friend by not saying anything about this whole thing. Can silence be considered support? I realise that I am not exactly actively supporting her decision. Does that mean not actively hindering equals support?

I don't know. Maybe I will never know. I am ok with that.

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