i miss my best friend.
or perhaps i should have said, my ex best friend.
these days i don't have a best friend. i am fortunate to have good friends, and i am thankful for these people every single day. but i have given up on this whole best friend thing.
the word best, when used prior to the word friend, is meant to denote a certain kind of special-ness. this person used to be special for me. this person i used to love and this person who used to make me feel loved (despite actually loving me or not). and this person is no more.
no, she didn't die. we just ceased being best friends. not sure if we are still friends.
i am mourning this friendship, or its lack thereof right now.
one of the hardest things is that during one of our last moments together, she somewhat predicted that this was going to happen because she knew who i am. i hate that she turned out to be correct and i hate that i could not be any different. i hate that i loved her and i hate that i was honest with her. in short, i hated myself when i was with her.
in contrast, she used to be the person i went to when i wanted to feel good about life and mankind and everything else. she had the ability to assure me in a way that made me realise that being human can never be something that we apologise for. imperfections make us part of who we are. they are ok, especially if we take active steps to work on them.
when there were so many shit that happened in my life that basically destroyed my faith in humanity, she was present as a rock that helped restored it.
i hate that it was quite possibly me who destroyed her faith in humanity.
i am sorry.
i do not know how to fix this.