#challenge accepted: rediscovering passion

Today has been a long, long day. In the morning, someone told me that it is going to rain later today, so I was this close to bring my trench coat. I wore my stockings and boots instead and grab my trusty blazer. Seriously, if you ever need to buy investment clothing, buy a blazer. It saves my ass every single time I ever need to look anything close to decent.

I have a love-hate relationship with clothing and dressing up. My younger self loved dressing up, in fact, I was one of these annoying people who always over-dressed. My current self is a lazy person. Right now, I am the laziest person I know. Seriously. I blame this state of laziness on the years of slaving away in grad school. It sucked so much of my energy that there is nothing left. Literally.

So because I am lazy, I struggle, on a daily basis, to look decent. Man, I don't even think about looking good these days. I just want to be nicely presentable, and in the process, not offend those around me. I cannot believe that I am saying this, these days, I do dress so that I don't offend other people. If I can have it my way, I would be wearing jeans, t-shirt, sneakers everywhere I go.

It is only recently I realised that looking good takes a lot of effort. Maybe it has always taken a lot of efforts, it is just that I was in the mood to put in that much effort. I was more excited about it. Then something happens and well, for lack of better description, I just lost my excitement. Where has my passion gone?

They say that "(i)f you want to stay focused on something, I recommend that you start blogging right now" (taken from Why You Should Start a Blog in Your 20s). Challenge accepted! Stay tuned for what's to come!

#challenge accepted: losing weight

As I said before, I have been trying to eat less.

But after reading this, I have decided that I am going to embrace skinny life. I think it is about time that I lose that 10 kgs that have been bothering me for the longest time.

I love Xiaxue. She is probably one of the very few bloggers that I know that are so blunt and honest. I really can't stand pretentious people.

Exhaustion again

This whole week, all that I felt most of the time can be summarised into the following words: super tired. I am exhausted most of the time. I was so relieved when I found out that today was Friday, but I got up late and I was late to work. Yes, I was exhausted beyond words. And I plan to just rest this weekend and recharge for the following week.

I have officially become one of those people - you know, the ones who look forward to weekends and only weekends. What the fuck happened to me. Why do I turn out to be someone like this.

Oh well, never mind the questions. The weekend is here and I intend to rest as much as I can.

Lately

--Right now, exhausted from shoulder cramp - right shoulder that is. Prior to this, I had a cut on my right index finger (healing now), two massive zits on my face and an ulcer on my mouth (healed). I don't know what is up with my body, but for once, all I want is a full functioning body, without pain, without zits, without ulcers, WITHOUT ANY FREAKING PROBLEM.

--Wrote a long piece on relationship and its related issues, only to realise that it has no flow (apart from the stream of consciousness that is hard to follow), so it needs some major editing which I am not in the mood to do because of the above shoulder pain.

--Been chatting to a friend who lives in the City of Angels who told me that vacation days do not accrue past a certain point unless you take it. I often forget how nice we have in here in the Land Down Under until I hear things like this. And yeah, we also have the most public holidays.

--A rejuvenating weekend (would have been perfect without shoulder cramp) post trying to be the perfect child for 5 days. Nice recovery time equals spending time alone in my apartment away from anyone. I can be such an introvert when I want to be.

--Contrary to what they say, I don't think work is a curse. I think I prefer to use Khalil Gibran's line of "and in keeping yourself with labour, you are in truth loving life". Because I love my life more when I am working, when I am doing something useful, instead of just sitting around doing nothing like an unusable spare part.

There is no place like home

You know when I said once that I don't really care whether I have a place to call home or not? Well, I lied. I would very much like a place to call home. I just did not have the means to do so at the time and to soften the blow (of having no one who is willing to give me a space in their homes so that I could at least have a place to call my room), I pretended not to care.

Now that I do have this place to call home, I can just relax and enjoy this space while I can. This is especially useful since I am back from travelling and have been sick and desperately trying to shake it off for the past 72 hours and counting. And now that I am home, I can just be back to being really sick since I can recuperate properly.

Letting go

So my friend finally dropped by and picked up the goods that I had set aside for her children a couple of months ago. I am so glad to get rid of those things. They were the things that I wore most during my teenage years and hardly ever wore in the past few years. So I let them go before they start weighing me down.

I never thought that this were true, my style does change over the years. I would even go as further as saying that my style changes with the boys that I dated, but I think a more likely explanation is that my taste has become more mature over the years. I am finally ready to let go of what I used to wear, and that particular image of myself, at that particular point in time.

Housekeeping

I take the internet for granted. Or rather, I should say, I take the availability of the internet for granted in this country. Especially at home. I honestly don't know too many people who do not have internet in their homes. Almost everyone I know owns a smart phone and subsequently are connected all the time. I guess I am lucky because I don't really have to work 24/7, but I do admit that I like cleaning my inbox. It makes me feel organised and besides, I hate virtual clutter (in addition to physical clutter).

So this weekend, I am enjoying having an internet connection. I am replying to all of those emails that I have not replied in a while and I am enjoying having clean inbox. The ones that are left there are the on-going projects and once they are done, I am more than happy to file them and feel an additional sense of accomplishment.

Shopping diet

In the past few months, or to be precise, approximately 2 years ago, I have become aware of how I dress. Two years ago, when I first got serious about the idea, I seriously consider what is it that I would wear and what I would not wear. Then about a year ago, I wanted to "up-it-a-notch", mostly, believe it or not, out of politeness of the people around me.

Yea, I know that we should do things for ourselves and we should just be ourselves bla bla bla. But really, these days, if it were up to me, I think I would rock up at work every single day wearing a pair of jeans, no make up. BUT we live in a society where grooming up is a necessity as to a certain level, we are expected to be appropriately presentable; it is one of the ways of demonstrating respect to those around us; that we are bothered enough to make the effort to clean up and be presentable.

Ten years ago, I would never have predicted that politeness is the main driver of this change. Quite frankly, I am not sure I have succeeded in this challenge. I am still figuring things out. I have become aware of the fit of my clothes (which is why I enjoy reading extra petite very much). I read Nina Garcia's books (the Look Book and the Little Black Book of Style). I edit my closet. I become a lot pickier of the things that I wear. I have no problem returning gifts to my family if they are simply not wearable (and in the process politely ask them not to buy me clothes/shoes/bags without me being involved in the decision making).

It has been a very relieving experience. I am so relieved that I don't have to look at the things that do not make my heart sing. I am so relieved that I don't have to look at things that I know I would never wear. I am so relieved to claim my space back again. I am so relieved that I can be honest with people about my preferences. I have no problem letting go of things that I know I don't use.

I am much relieved that I don't get enticed to buy things as easily as I used to. I have no problem putting things down and walking away and train myself not to think about those things.

I realise that just like other things in life, this requires discipline, and discipline is hard work. And it is ok, because I can work for it.

The Daily Grind

I am so glad that I am back at the office.

I LOVE the holidays. I enjoyed sleeping in when it happened, eating every time I am hungry (my eating pattern is still on holiday mode), going out and enjoying the sun, napping after lunch, etcetera etcetera. The only thing I don't love is the obligation attached to doing things - like rocking up at family's for certain things, certain days, whatever. I much prefer to do things on my own accord.

Thus why I am so glad that I am back at the office. Nothing beats the appeal of a regular schedule that requires me to be somewhere doing something. Hehe.

Work

So it looks like I have to work today. I have to finish some work that I have started a few weeks ago. This work needs to be done today - at least my part is. So after writing this, I am going to do some spreadsheet work. It should not take long, hopefully - but if there are issues, then I am going to go nuts.

I don't have a problem with working during the holidays per se - I have a problem with people who bluntly ask me: why do you have to work. Obviously because there is work to do. Then they ask why can't you just wait until the holidays is over. Because I don't want to? Because I want to do it today? Because I want to finish this quickly?

It is incredibly annoying when someone tells me not to work. I guess it is fine when that person is paying me not to work. But chance is that that person is not paying me not to work and that person wants to hang out with me - which means I have to put in the time and money for that. I don't mind spending time and money with people I deem worthy, but chance is that if that person is telling me not to work, then that person is not worthy.

When I get pissed off, they try to lighten it up by saying they are joking - instead of apologising. Oh please. That is the worst insult in the planet ever. Own up to your mistakes. Don't tell me that I am the one who is uptight, when you are clearly the one who is disrespectful of my choices.

I am off to do some work now. Until then.

WIDT - Shopping at Birkinhead Point

I finally caved in to the post xmas sale and went shopping. I love getting good bargains. I just hate the crowd. I have done boxing day shopping a couple of times and I think that would be all that I would ever have in this life time. So coming in today, which is like a few days post boxing day, I fully expect the stores to be full of bargains with nothing in my size.

Which is totally what happened today. I came prepared with a mental list with the things that I am hunting:

1. a fedora - I have been wanting this for the longest time - since like 2009. That is like two YEARS ago. I have been looking for one that is not so boring. I want something that is black/white/gray-ish, but I can never take the plunge of getting a plain black or plain anything fedora. I saw a red one with pink flower a few weeks back that retailed for $30 before the sale. When I came back to the stores a couple of weeks since spotting it, they were all gone! Ok, so it was not a meant to be.

2. sexy lingerie - this item (or I should say, these items) are perpetually on my list. Because I have been losing weight or maybe my current lingerie is just disintegrating on me. Or both. Doesn't matter. Point is that I need lingerie that fits.

3. leather belt - I am somewhat obsessed with anything leather these days. Because I am sick and tired of pvc belts dying on me. I just did not realise that these things are so badly made. I am donating all of my pvc belts to charity.

4. leather bag - same story as the leather belts - see above. I don't mind the canvas bags, I suppose, because they are water proof. The downside with leather goods is that they are not water proof, and they are kind of high maintenance that way. Sydney weather has been unpredictably wet, so I am hesitant with using my leather bag.

5. leather shoes - same story as the leather items above. I prefer real leather shoes rather than faux leather. Because my feet are wide and most faux leather shoes just kill them. If I could, I would wear sport shoes everywhere. But I can't wear them to work, so I don't think I have much choice but to do leather shoes. I prefer rubber soles, but I realise this combination is difficult to come by. I have bought shoes from asos, and they are mostly misses (rather than hits). I prefer to buy shoes in a physical store because I need to try them on. So please, shoe stores out there - don't go totally online.

6. skinny jeans - I own one pair of skinny jeans. When I bought them they were tight but now they are sliding down. Thus I'd like a new pair that does not slide down, and it has to be in dark denim.

7. blazer - I have a specific style in mind that I am coveting right now. Can't describe it here, but once I find it, I will post a picture of some sort.

8. work clothes - these are investments for me, because I go to work and I need to find clothes that are professional looking and are comfortable and most importantly, stylish and reflects my personality. I love dressing up in the morning, applying make up and doing my hair. Yeah, shoot me - I am one of those annoying people who like going to work.

So what happened today?

Birkinhead Point does not disappoint, although I prefer driving there rather than catching public transport (snob alert). I make it a habit to eat lunch before shopping so that I can concentrate on what I want to buy rather than thinking about food. If you know me, my stomach usually takes precedent over anything else, including sleep.

What I bought: fedora, lingerie, leather belt. Fedora was from Mimco and it was not plain - it was in fact, chequered - a combo of black/grey with a white/blue leopard-ish collar. I just read that sentence again and the fedora sounded hideous. In all likelihood, it probably is, but I like it, so I bought it and I have every intention to wear it. One item off the list.

Lingerie was Elle McPherson. Some of her stuff are really really nice, and others really really bad. I tried on at least 10 things today and walked away with 1. I could have tried more, but I was giving up after the 10th item. The item stays on the list because I obviously need more than 1.

Leather belt was Marc. I used to love everything Marc - back in the days when they used to be so preppy. And then, Marc became boho, and recently it sort of returns to its preppy origins (thank god), just as I am losing interest in shopping (in general). Another item off the list.

Mimco has some of the most coveted leather bags that do not cost 4 digits. This is kind of important if like me, you don't earn that much money. I like this particular style from Mimco and nearly purchased it so many times. But lately, I am giving up on it. Because the people that I see with the bag are so daggy - the kind that walks around in sweat pants and ugg boots. The bag, in contrast, is sophisticated looking - and would make an awesome work attire investment. So whenever I think of this bag, I have this mental image of some daggy person carrying the bag. I refuse to be associated with that image, so I pass.

Another brand that I love is Allannah Hill. Granted given my body type I cannot wear 90% of her clothes, but I do love her coats. And her cardigans, skirts, tops and dresses. I like her accessories too. That is like everything in the store. Because I know that I cannot wear most of her designs (seriously, she designs for women with curves, the guitar/hour glass types, and meanwhile, I am like a cone), I just spent like a good 15 minutes in that store admiring the things that I knew I would never wear.

And that was when I noticed a group of extremely daggy people in the store - and then I walked out of the store. I get that most people were shopping, so they were dressing for comfort - heck, even I was dressing for comfort, and I am pretty sure I was more daggy than stylish. However, there is just something about seeing daggy people that completely turns me off a brand.

I am such a snob. There I said it.

It is really true that we should dress up - if only out of politeness.

"I don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. And then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. And it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny." - Coco Chanel

Side note: I am trying to write more these days - and in the past, I schedule certain posts to come in at certain days to ensure that I am sticking to a schedule. With this blog, what I find is that I am writing more about my thoughts than what I did - which is understandable because I often spend my days working (I derive enjoyment that way) and I don't really want to write about working given that I have already spent most of day working, and I don't want to spend all of my waking hours doing and thinking about work. So in an attempt to enjoy life a bit more, I make a point to do things other than working, which I can then write about in the blog. WIDT stands for What I Did Today.

Oh hi!

Hiiiiiiii.... yeah so it happens - three days of not writing. I wanted to write, trust me, so many things to write about, so many things I have been thinking about.

Work

Work happens - and it is loaded with so many things to do. There are so many skills to polish at work. Things are always happening, evolving and we are keeping up, getting ahead and changing.

I think one of the most humbling things in this life is the realisation that we have so much to learn. I have so much to learn. I was fortunate enough to be one of the audience in the Alan Joyce Q and A last night and what a remarkable man he is. He truly is a leader and I am confident that he is able to lead Qantas to a higher glory after navigating this murky water. And one day I hope to be someone like that. It must be quite something for other people to look at you and believe that you, somehow, would be able to make things better. I look at my boss with the same sentiment. It is a good feeling. It helps make my job enjoyable. I guess I am driven by people.

Friends

Friends came and visit from the other side of the ocean. I forgot how much I missed her and I am happy at the chance of a more intimate dinner. I have a tendency to forget how much I miss my friends because I obviously don't spend enough time with them. The friends I caught up with last night were my uni-friends, we slaved back in uni back in the days. Now, one of them is pregnant, and I am so excited for her. And no, didn't think that she would be the first to be a parent, and I cannot think of a better person to lead the pack.

I forget how much my friends know me - and it is such a pleasant surprise that they still remember. It is really true that you can just be yourself and not worry about projecting a certain kind of image or pretending to be someone that you are not.

Happiness

This morning I thought about happiness. In particular, I thought about how my concept of happiness has changed over the year. Seven years ago, I would never have thought that the life that I have today would constitute a happy life. I would never have considered my life right now is a happy life. I was searching for different things - different things that I thought would make me happy. I am pleasantly surprised that the things that I never thought would bring me happiness actually work together to bring me happiness.

I am thankful for what I have and what I can share in this life. I am thankful for the people who love me, of the people who stand by me - especially during the times that I do not deserve so, because that is the time that I need them most. I am thankful for the people who forgive me even before I ask. I am thankful for the people who openly criticise me and suggest ways of improvement for me. I am thankful for the people who challenge me and force me to think of other point of views - and in doing so, they help me maintain an open mind.

I read in the paper the other day that most people would choose a $90k boring job over an $80k interesting job - because most people are not trained to compare qualitative concepts. Comparing numbers are so easy because it is so clear cut. Yet the things that we cannot attach a dollar value to are often the ones that comprise the most vital input in the decision making process. We don't realise how important these things are because we cannot even begin to start comparing them.

My decisions are my decisions and at the end of the day, I am the one who has to live with them. I am the one who has to fall asleep with them and I am the one who would wake up with them the next morning. I know these - we all know these - yet why is it so difficult to make decisions that we are truly comfortable with instead of following some unwritten standard of what is acceptable. Acceptable to whom? If not to yourself.

Shopping

I went shopping today. It was a successful expedition thanks to Supre. I have been shopping in that store since the year 1998 - more than a decade ago! I guess some parts of me just never grow up like that.

Supre today is a lot cheaper than Supre back then. Granted it was already one of the cheapest chain stores at that time and retains its reputation as one of the cheapest ones today. That said, if I were a teen today, I think my wardrobe would have been a lot bigger than my wardrobe then. My wardrobe was not that big - I had more than enough clothes to sustain me. I was into the sporty look more than the feminine look. Then something happened and I started becoming a lot more feminine. As I was on the larger side, I learnt that wearing fitted clothes made me look slimmer, so most of my clothes were fitted.

Today, I realise that I am slim enough to wear clothes that were cut loosely. So the last three tops that I bought were loose cuts. That sort of satisfied my yearnings for longer, looser tops. I bought 2 today - beige and fuschia, the other one I bought a couple of weeks ago on an impromptu trip with a girl friend after a super long day at work, and it was grey. If the fuschia were available in a different colour - like gray or white or black or nude, I think I would have gone for the neutral colours. But it seemed like it was the last one available and I like fuschia so I thought why not.

Now I am looking at my wardrobe and scratching my head as to which tops/clothes I am going to donate. I like everything in my wardrobe, I just don't wear them often enough. I used to wear them often, and then I start working and all and what I wear often these days are mostly work stuff (5 out of 7 days - that makes 72% or so); so it seems like a waste if they are sitting in my wardrobe mostly unused.

I think I am somewhat attached to my clothes - there are things in there that I keep because of their sentimental values. I know that this is totally irrational, but I guess, there will always be things that I prefer to keep even when I don't wear them often.

Decluttering is a life long project

Have been reading this.

Feeling the urge to declutter.

***

Twisted as this may sound: for a while, I was preparing for a life I did not have, in an attempt to have the life that I thought I wanted. I think it is part of the quarter-life crisis. I thought I wanted a certain job, a certain kind of prestige, a certain kind of success. I tried to attain them. I was not successful. In an attempt to make me feel better, I purchased clothes and shoes to make me feel like I was living that life.

My wardrobe grew. Space became a luxury, yet somehow I managed to fit everything in. I declutter every so now and then, but the rate of the clothes coming in was faster than coming out.

I started decluttering back in 2009 when I was co-habitating to save on rent, bills, etc. I began scrutinising my style at around about the same time. The clothes I used to wear back in college are mostly donated. I must say, it feels so good. You have to experience it to believe how good it actually is. I feel good when my wardrobe is organised, and I look better because of that.

I used to wear a lot of colours - and I have a drawer full of tops as the remaining evidence of that era. I still love wearing colours, but for some reason, am drawn towards mostly neutrals - especially gray. I think it was Armani who said that his favourite colour for a man's suit is gray, because it is the colour of the stone, and symbolises strength and stability; I feel strong and stable wearing gray.

While I was busy decluttering, life goes on, and today, the life that I have takes me by surprise because I love it. This was not the life that I imagined then, and in ways that are difficult to comprehend, it is actually better than what I have ever dared to imagine.

My wardrobe today is the most streamlined it has ever been in years, and I am planning to get it even more streamlined in time for Christmas. I'd like to update my tops and my dresses - I am getting older afterall and I'd like to dress my age. [Did I just say that?] Online shopping has been a blessing with the variety and price, but it requires tremendous self-discipline to be a value-adding activity. And it starts with decluttering.