I am very fortunate to have you in my life. You have loved me into a better person, a much better person than I could ever imagine.
Thank you for always being there when it matters most. x
Saturday, June 9, 2012
A short note
My memories of you are those moments spent in private. Conversations spoken in private, in words and phrases that only we can understand.
Friday, June 8, 2012
It's just not my thing
There are certain things that I swear I cannot write about. BUT there are always exceptions to these things, and they are usually out of ... er... my inability to stop thinking about something.
So the story goes like this: I came across a photo of a friend and her fiance. She and I have come quite a long way. We were close for a while, and then she moved to a different country, then another country and then another one. We managed to keep in touch over the years. And deep down, we sort of think of each other as "best friends" however those two words are supposed to mean. To me, it meant something along the lines of you know, the one person who love you for who you are and you don't have to pretend in front of them, and having known most, if not all, of your quirks, they still love you no matter what happen. When you are down, they are the first to text or email something along the lines of "ruokx".
I am a very high maintenance individual. Fuck, even sometimes I have difficulties maintaining myself. Seriously. It must take a lot from my friends to actually be my friends. And to these people, I am eternally grateful. And in the extremely rare chance that you are reading this, thank you so so much. I am grateful for your friendship and you have made me a better person.
Anyway, I digress.
So the story continues. She was getting married. She wanted me to be one of her bridesmaids. I said yes, without hesitation. Two weeks before the wedding, her then-fiance got cold feet and the wedding didn't happen.
Fast forward 2 years later - she told me that she is getting married ... to the same man.
She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.
I sort of said no.
In case it is not clear from reading this blog, I am very much a blunt person in real life. I am slowly learning the art of being diplomatic. You know, things like saying no without actually saying no. I am not exactly good at the art of pretension, just yesterday, someone told me that I cannot tell a lie. These two things are relevant because (1) I want to be honest, and I know that I should not say what I really want to say because they are so not diplomatic and (2) because I can't do (1), I have to do something that is not (1), that is, I sort of have to make sure that I say the right things, in the right way, despite not being able to lie.
Gah.
I gave the standard lame excuse of I wasn't sure whether I would be able to do so (or not) as I was not sure what I would be doing during that time. Truth is simple - it is not in my budget, because I am budgeting for something else. I don't think I need to justify that to anyone because at the end of the day, I have my own life to think about.
Sometimes I wish we can just be more upfront about monetary issues with our friends. I have said this before, I would spend money on my friends insofar as (1) I can afford it and (2) I am comfortable with the kind of spending. The issue at hand is not so much of (1), because really, I can always find the funds if I want to go (sorry, forgot to mention that the wedding is overseas). I am actually not comfortable with the kind of spending. Not so much that I don't want to attend her wedding, I don't want to be there, zip my mouth, smile for the camera and all the while watching her making the biggest mistake of her life (in my opinion).
I just don't think I can pretend to that extent.
To be fair, I can give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't know for sure if she is happy or not. I don't know a lot of the details of their relationship and I am pretty sure I don't want to know. All that I am doing is judging them based on the choices that they have made in the past. I get that past performance is not always an indicator of future performance, but it is a pretty good indicator most of the time, and in fact, you can use it as a predictor of future performance if you know how to harness its predictive powers.
This is one of those things in life in which I don't mind being wrong about.
Gritting my teeth is easier done when I am far away across the ocean and not witnessing things unravelling before my eyes.
In that picture I saw in Facebook, she looks old. Yeah, I get that we all age, but she and I are not that old yet. To me, that's somewhat an indication that she is not happy. A picture says a thousand words. Maybe I am over-analysing it, like always. Or maybe, it is true. I don't know. I don't want to find out.
At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness. We don't have anyone else to blame for the things that go wrong in our lives, except for ourselves and the decisions that we make. We have to be able to do the things that we want to do because we know it is truly right for us, not because someone else thinks it is right for us.
After 20 something years of living, I still struggle with this, and I am starting to realise that this may qualify as one of the permanent struggles of life. I am willing to struggle to stay true to myself.
I like to think that I am being a good friend by not saying anything about this whole thing. Can silence be considered support? I realise that I am not exactly actively supporting her decision. Does that mean not actively hindering equals support?
I don't know. Maybe I will never know. I am ok with that.
So the story goes like this: I came across a photo of a friend and her fiance. She and I have come quite a long way. We were close for a while, and then she moved to a different country, then another country and then another one. We managed to keep in touch over the years. And deep down, we sort of think of each other as "best friends" however those two words are supposed to mean. To me, it meant something along the lines of you know, the one person who love you for who you are and you don't have to pretend in front of them, and having known most, if not all, of your quirks, they still love you no matter what happen. When you are down, they are the first to text or email something along the lines of "ruokx".
I am a very high maintenance individual. Fuck, even sometimes I have difficulties maintaining myself. Seriously. It must take a lot from my friends to actually be my friends. And to these people, I am eternally grateful. And in the extremely rare chance that you are reading this, thank you so so much. I am grateful for your friendship and you have made me a better person.
Anyway, I digress.
So the story continues. She was getting married. She wanted me to be one of her bridesmaids. I said yes, without hesitation. Two weeks before the wedding, her then-fiance got cold feet and the wedding didn't happen.
Fast forward 2 years later - she told me that she is getting married ... to the same man.
She asked me to be one of her bridesmaids.
I sort of said no.
In case it is not clear from reading this blog, I am very much a blunt person in real life. I am slowly learning the art of being diplomatic. You know, things like saying no without actually saying no. I am not exactly good at the art of pretension, just yesterday, someone told me that I cannot tell a lie. These two things are relevant because (1) I want to be honest, and I know that I should not say what I really want to say because they are so not diplomatic and (2) because I can't do (1), I have to do something that is not (1), that is, I sort of have to make sure that I say the right things, in the right way, despite not being able to lie.
Gah.
I gave the standard lame excuse of I wasn't sure whether I would be able to do so (or not) as I was not sure what I would be doing during that time. Truth is simple - it is not in my budget, because I am budgeting for something else. I don't think I need to justify that to anyone because at the end of the day, I have my own life to think about.
Sometimes I wish we can just be more upfront about monetary issues with our friends. I have said this before, I would spend money on my friends insofar as (1) I can afford it and (2) I am comfortable with the kind of spending. The issue at hand is not so much of (1), because really, I can always find the funds if I want to go (sorry, forgot to mention that the wedding is overseas). I am actually not comfortable with the kind of spending. Not so much that I don't want to attend her wedding, I don't want to be there, zip my mouth, smile for the camera and all the while watching her making the biggest mistake of her life (in my opinion).
I just don't think I can pretend to that extent.
To be fair, I can give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't know for sure if she is happy or not. I don't know a lot of the details of their relationship and I am pretty sure I don't want to know. All that I am doing is judging them based on the choices that they have made in the past. I get that past performance is not always an indicator of future performance, but it is a pretty good indicator most of the time, and in fact, you can use it as a predictor of future performance if you know how to harness its predictive powers.
This is one of those things in life in which I don't mind being wrong about.
Gritting my teeth is easier done when I am far away across the ocean and not witnessing things unravelling before my eyes.
In that picture I saw in Facebook, she looks old. Yeah, I get that we all age, but she and I are not that old yet. To me, that's somewhat an indication that she is not happy. A picture says a thousand words. Maybe I am over-analysing it, like always. Or maybe, it is true. I don't know. I don't want to find out.
At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness. We don't have anyone else to blame for the things that go wrong in our lives, except for ourselves and the decisions that we make. We have to be able to do the things that we want to do because we know it is truly right for us, not because someone else thinks it is right for us.
After 20 something years of living, I still struggle with this, and I am starting to realise that this may qualify as one of the permanent struggles of life. I am willing to struggle to stay true to myself.
I like to think that I am being a good friend by not saying anything about this whole thing. Can silence be considered support? I realise that I am not exactly actively supporting her decision. Does that mean not actively hindering equals support?
I don't know. Maybe I will never know. I am ok with that.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
The eaton mess of my life
Heya!
Still alive. Frozen cold though. Flat out busy. Fucking tired.
Hi! I miss you!
Just like any other Indonesian in this planet, or I should say, the urban professionals who are Indonesians, I am attached to this little nifty device called the Crackberry. I never intended it to be an extension of my hand, but there it is. I recently bought my Dad one in an attempt to get him to ditch his old mobile phone and you know, get with the times. As a result, he now uses a device that is at least one generation ahead than my current device, and his knowledge of the various shortcuts and functionality is quite admirable.
But these days I am so freakin' occupied that every time he texts, I don't give him the attention that he wants. It is not that I am neglecting him, I don't, it just so happens that we have timing issues. I am usually at work when he texts and he is usually at dinner when I am free to text. Don't ask why. Anyway, Dad, in the extremely off chance that you are reading this: Hi! I miss you!
Facebook
These days, for some reason I do not comprehend, I have all these flashbacks about my childhood. Generally my memory is pretty awesome, especially when I make an effort to remember, but for the love of rum and raisin, I have difficulties remembering my childhood. I am talking about the specifics ok. I remember the general stuff like where I lived, where I went to school, etc. But I don't remember if I like any particular food, the things I used to enjoy doing, the friends I have etc etc etc. Ok, I lied, I remember bits and pieces about the friends I had, but I don't remember most of them. I don't remember the conversations we had, or whatever else.
So, given that I have all these flashbacks, and that names come up during these mini events, I decide to look these up on Facebook. I guess I have annoyingly become one of those Gen-Ys who is of the school of opinion of who-does-not-have-Facebook-these-days? And apparently, the answer is ... these people I remember meeting back in my childhood. I swear this is probably because I don't remember the correct names, or the correct spelling, or whatever else, I don't know.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know. I don't know a lot of people in my generation who does not have a Facebook profile. I do find some people of the older generation who is active on Facebook a bit creepy - seriously, aren't you supposed to be busy with your kids or something? I guess this is my personal bias, so don't take it personally.
English is my second language card
Yes, English is my second language. It is in fact the third language that I learnt. The second language was Mandarin, and I was terrible at it. Fortunately, my parents had the decency to send me to a language school, or in particular, an English language school, and I happened to like it because I could then watch all those Hollywood movies without reading the subtitles. I was pretty good at it too - maybe because I was determined to watch the movies without reading the subtitles.
That said, I have those annoying moments when I can't find words that I want to use or when I just make grammatical mistakes unintentionally. This is when I pull the English-is-my-second-language-card, and I have every intention to use this card for as long as I can.
Not that I should be using the card because I am hopeless at Indonesian. I can read and talk and write - although I am not too sure that I can do it well. Over the weekend, a friend and her family came over to visit and I had to converse with her mum in Indonesian. I understood perfectly what she was saying and she was kind enough to put up with my declining language skills. Actually, it was not the language that bothered me so much. It was the culture gap that I found somewhat disturbing. For example, one of her questions was "why are you not married yet?". I am 1000% sure that this was asked in good faith, but I was not too sure how I should answer. I was scared of offending her and I was scared of being too upfront and too honest for fear that I might have accidentally offended her. She was a very nice person, and she did not know my parents (as in, they had met once, and that's it, they do not talk regularly to one another, and she definitely did not ask that question because my parents wanted her to ask it).
Ok, that's it. Going off to dreamland now. Until then, stay warm.
x
Still alive. Frozen cold though. Flat out busy. Fucking tired.
Hi! I miss you!
Just like any other Indonesian in this planet, or I should say, the urban professionals who are Indonesians, I am attached to this little nifty device called the Crackberry. I never intended it to be an extension of my hand, but there it is. I recently bought my Dad one in an attempt to get him to ditch his old mobile phone and you know, get with the times. As a result, he now uses a device that is at least one generation ahead than my current device, and his knowledge of the various shortcuts and functionality is quite admirable.
But these days I am so freakin' occupied that every time he texts, I don't give him the attention that he wants. It is not that I am neglecting him, I don't, it just so happens that we have timing issues. I am usually at work when he texts and he is usually at dinner when I am free to text. Don't ask why. Anyway, Dad, in the extremely off chance that you are reading this: Hi! I miss you!
These days, for some reason I do not comprehend, I have all these flashbacks about my childhood. Generally my memory is pretty awesome, especially when I make an effort to remember, but for the love of rum and raisin, I have difficulties remembering my childhood. I am talking about the specifics ok. I remember the general stuff like where I lived, where I went to school, etc. But I don't remember if I like any particular food, the things I used to enjoy doing, the friends I have etc etc etc. Ok, I lied, I remember bits and pieces about the friends I had, but I don't remember most of them. I don't remember the conversations we had, or whatever else.
So, given that I have all these flashbacks, and that names come up during these mini events, I decide to look these up on Facebook. I guess I have annoyingly become one of those Gen-Ys who is of the school of opinion of who-does-not-have-Facebook-these-days? And apparently, the answer is ... these people I remember meeting back in my childhood. I swear this is probably because I don't remember the correct names, or the correct spelling, or whatever else, I don't know.
Why am I telling you this? I don't know. I don't know a lot of people in my generation who does not have a Facebook profile. I do find some people of the older generation who is active on Facebook a bit creepy - seriously, aren't you supposed to be busy with your kids or something? I guess this is my personal bias, so don't take it personally.
English is my second language card
Yes, English is my second language. It is in fact the third language that I learnt. The second language was Mandarin, and I was terrible at it. Fortunately, my parents had the decency to send me to a language school, or in particular, an English language school, and I happened to like it because I could then watch all those Hollywood movies without reading the subtitles. I was pretty good at it too - maybe because I was determined to watch the movies without reading the subtitles.
That said, I have those annoying moments when I can't find words that I want to use or when I just make grammatical mistakes unintentionally. This is when I pull the English-is-my-second-language-card, and I have every intention to use this card for as long as I can.
Not that I should be using the card because I am hopeless at Indonesian. I can read and talk and write - although I am not too sure that I can do it well. Over the weekend, a friend and her family came over to visit and I had to converse with her mum in Indonesian. I understood perfectly what she was saying and she was kind enough to put up with my declining language skills. Actually, it was not the language that bothered me so much. It was the culture gap that I found somewhat disturbing. For example, one of her questions was "why are you not married yet?". I am 1000% sure that this was asked in good faith, but I was not too sure how I should answer. I was scared of offending her and I was scared of being too upfront and too honest for fear that I might have accidentally offended her. She was a very nice person, and she did not know my parents (as in, they had met once, and that's it, they do not talk regularly to one another, and she definitely did not ask that question because my parents wanted her to ask it).
Ok, that's it. Going off to dreamland now. Until then, stay warm.
x
Friday, May 25, 2012
Contentment
It is Friday night. I am sitting here watching the footie. Well, maybe not concentrating on watching the footie because I am obviously typing this at the same time. Point is that I am not going out partying. I am having a night in and I am happy. Or perhaps, content is a more appropriate adjective.
I don't quite know what the deal really is, all I know is that as I age, I find more contentment in solitude. Some calls it quality time, others call it me time. I just call it solitude, because it is what it really is. Some people find it uncomfortable, others find it rejuvenating. I belong to the latter category. I like it, treasure it, look forward to it.
I think the best moments in conversations happen when you get to pause and be silent for a while, without feeling uncomfortable with the silences. These periodical pauses allow me to step back, enjoy the moment while listening to what my conversational partner is saying. These short bursts of contentment are the moments in life worth living for.
Have a nice weekend! x
I don't quite know what the deal really is, all I know is that as I age, I find more contentment in solitude. Some calls it quality time, others call it me time. I just call it solitude, because it is what it really is. Some people find it uncomfortable, others find it rejuvenating. I belong to the latter category. I like it, treasure it, look forward to it.
I think the best moments in conversations happen when you get to pause and be silent for a while, without feeling uncomfortable with the silences. These periodical pauses allow me to step back, enjoy the moment while listening to what my conversational partner is saying. These short bursts of contentment are the moments in life worth living for.
Have a nice weekend! x
Sunday, May 20, 2012
The Ultimate Sloth
In a few hours I would be flying back to Sydney. I have been spending the past few days in Queensland and Byron Bay, basically, taking a holiday. I am the ultimate sloth when I am on holidays. I don't do make up. I don't do my nails (and now I am dying to have a manicure!). I don't want to do anything. I want to sleep as much as I can and eat as much as I can. I don't want to do anything else. I guess I don't mind internet shopping, but despite browsing extensively, have not bought anything just yet. The weather has been exceptionally beautiful, the sun shining everyday. The nights were cold but the house that we are staying in has central heating (!!) so I am deeply thankful. Food has been fantastic and two nights in a row, I am fortunate to have someone cooked for me and doing the dishes. It has been a very nice, very relaxing long weekend.
This place is quite literally in the middle of no where. If you don't drive, then you are basically toast. I realise how spoilt I have been, living right smack in the middle of the city where I can walk everywhere I want to. I paid the price for my lifestyle and it is ok because I enjoy it very much. I miss Sydney whenever I have been away from it. There are so many things there that I take for granted. I think it is partially because home is in Sydney these days. Yet even if my home is not in Sydney, I have a feeling that I would still miss it just as much.
One of the things that I am most thankful for in my life is the fact that I can do most of the things I want to, no explanation needed. I don't need to justify my choices to anyone. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. Sometimes people ask, and depending on who they are and what the questions are, I may or may not answer. It is not that I don't want to share, or connect, it is just that from past experience with some people, the reason they are asking is not because they want to connect, but because they have unsolicited advices that they feel I should follow. Overtime, I learn to ignore these people, and in the interest of keeping peace, actually ask them what they wanted to say, listen, nod and call it a day.
I am happy to be on holidays, and I am happy to return to Sydney and resume my daily grind. There are definitely certain aspects of my life that I miss quite a lot, and maybe in my next holiday, I can try to be less of a sloth than I am in this one.
This place is quite literally in the middle of no where. If you don't drive, then you are basically toast. I realise how spoilt I have been, living right smack in the middle of the city where I can walk everywhere I want to. I paid the price for my lifestyle and it is ok because I enjoy it very much. I miss Sydney whenever I have been away from it. There are so many things there that I take for granted. I think it is partially because home is in Sydney these days. Yet even if my home is not in Sydney, I have a feeling that I would still miss it just as much.
One of the things that I am most thankful for in my life is the fact that I can do most of the things I want to, no explanation needed. I don't need to justify my choices to anyone. I don't need to explain myself to anyone. Sometimes people ask, and depending on who they are and what the questions are, I may or may not answer. It is not that I don't want to share, or connect, it is just that from past experience with some people, the reason they are asking is not because they want to connect, but because they have unsolicited advices that they feel I should follow. Overtime, I learn to ignore these people, and in the interest of keeping peace, actually ask them what they wanted to say, listen, nod and call it a day.
I am happy to be on holidays, and I am happy to return to Sydney and resume my daily grind. There are definitely certain aspects of my life that I miss quite a lot, and maybe in my next holiday, I can try to be less of a sloth than I am in this one.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Casino
Last night I was at the Jupiter Casino in the Gold Coast.
This casino is smaller than The Star in Sydney (which is smaller than the Crown
Casino in Melbourne). There are plenty of poker machines in Jupiter. Gambling tables start at $5, which is a lot
lower than the minimum at The Star ($25, I think). Jupiter was not filled to
the brim – plenty of tables were not in use, and plenty of vacant machines too.
Most of the patrons were of the older generation. White hair and all. Most were
fat. My guess is that they don't have any other form of entertainment available
to them.
Sitting down in front of a poker machine is pretty mindless,
I reckon. I don't know how the game works, but from what I could see, you just
sat there and pressed a few buttons, while putting some money in. These days,
casinos use membership cards. I bet this is because they want to dissociate
gambling with money by removing the necessity of putting in real money in the
machines. The same reason applies as to why they use casino chips. Everything
feels so detached from real life. It is like the casino is offering a world of
its own, whereby it is very possible that your luck will change in a snap.
I always wonder what the appeal of the casino is. I think
this is mostly because I am not a gambler. In fact, I guess I am not a risk
taker at all. Or maybe I am, just not in the casino gambling sort of way. In
short, I don’t find the gambling floor in a casino appealing at all. I find the restaurants and shopping
areas in the casino complex more exciting. The hotel and/or apartments are
fine. The food tends to be cheaper. I guess all those revenue from gambling is
being put to good use after all.
I reckon casinos must be one of the most depressing places
on this planet. Or maybe I should say, Jupiter is. I did not see a single
patron who was happy. Everyone had this gloomy look in his/her face. No one was
happy. No one was smiling - because no one was winning (ha!). At Jupiters,
though, a lot of ladies were dressed to the nines. Full make up, highest heels,
shortest, tightest dresses. By 11pm, the one of the bars at Jupiters become a
night club – DJ playing some awful techno and middle age ladies conquering the
dance floor. I was not an eye witness to this, quite unfortunately, but I could
hear the music from my room in Level 10. If I had not changed and started my
trip down dream land, I would have probably joined them. But, my laziness took
over and after listening to a few terrible technos, I faded away.
Whenever I write about things like this, I always revert
back to this thing called human connection. I think we all crave for human
connection, the kind of connection with other human beings that make us feel
alive. What this boils down to for individual persons are different from one
person to the next, from one time to the other. These days, with smart phones
and social media, Facebook, emails and everything else, we are made to feel
like we are so connected. However, are we really connected? If it is true that
we are, then why do we feel so empty inside?
I don’t know why people go to casinos, my guess is that they
are bored and they want to be entertained. A deeper version of this guess goes
along the lines of people feel some form emptiness inside and they want to fill
this void with instant gratification, or at least, the possibility of an
instant gratification of earning a massive amount of money without having to
work hard. This emptiness, I think, is the resultant effect of a lack of human
connection – the kind of human connection that we yearn for on a day to day
basis.
Sometimes we have so many people in our lives, and we spend
a lot of time with them, yet we don’t feel satisfied with the connection. I
think this is because we are not connecting in a way that we want to be
connected it. For example, my preferred connection is one that borders on being
too intense for a lot of people. But I like that because it makes me feel like
I can finally understand them; when they share the things that I cannot
observe, like their dreams, their aspirations, what motivates them, amongst
other things. Some of these people are so courageous and brave that they are willing
to share their fears and tears. I call these high quality connections, the kind
of connections that I look forward to in life.
Of course how you prefer to connect can be different than
how I prefer to connect. There are other ways that I like connecting –
discussing fashion, clothes, jackets, shoes, handbags. Some people think that
this is superficial, that’s fine, and that’s their prerogative. For me, that’s
just my hobby and it is nice to share that with someone who is as enthusiastic
about it as I am. Some people bond over sports, others bond through music. The
key is to find the thing that makes it work for you.And I don't think this sort of things can be substituted by a machine or robot. Not yet, anyway.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
[untitled]
I cannot think about you
I cannot write about you
without shedding an invisible tear
without feeling this never-ending pain
I don't know whether I love you out of desire
or out of obligation and guilt
I don't know if I can love you
like I am meant to love you
The memory of us is forever dancing on my mind
I have no faith
I don't know how to believe anymore
I don't want to play your games anymore
The shadow of your past lingers on my mind
... but you are no longer in my heart.
I cannot write about you
without shedding an invisible tear
without feeling this never-ending pain
I don't know whether I love you out of desire
or out of obligation and guilt
I don't know if I can love you
like I am meant to love you
The memory of us is forever dancing on my mind
I have no faith
I don't know how to believe anymore
I don't want to play your games anymore
The shadow of your past lingers on my mind
... but you are no longer in my heart.
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